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  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    In a zombie apocalypse I'd eat you last.

    In a zombie apocalypse I'd eat you last.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life.

    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month.

    Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother is a drunk whore too.

    I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother is a drunk whore too.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

  • Sports Sports

    Now that football season is over I can finally get back to wishing it was football season.

    Now that football season is over I can finally get back to wishing it was football season.

  • Thinking of You Thinking of You

    Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

    Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

  • Sympathy Sympathy

    Sorry even your gay friends will now be getting married before you.

    Sorry even your gay friends will now be getting married before you.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day.

    Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day.

    Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

  • Birthday Birthday

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations on your team coming in 2nd.

    Congratulations on your team coming in 2nd.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

  • Thinking of You Thinking of You

    I just want you to know that Amish you.

    I just want you to know that Amish you.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.

    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.

  • Cry for Help Cry for Help

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

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