May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder
Happy belated birthday to someone who now has free rein to forget mine
Congratulations to the Yankees on winning as many championships this decade as the Red Sox
I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are
I hope you like this birthday ecard better than last year's text message
I'm attending a beautiful wedding in a hideous bridesmaid dress
Let's safeguard ourselves against swine flu by only doing it doggie style
Happy birthday to someone I hope doesn't hog all the swine flu vaccine
Sorry my Web browser history scared you
Sorry for what I said during my blackout
Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
The good news is that she was a cunt