May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
I wonder if Twilight's abstinence message will suppress my herculean urge to screw Robert Pattinson
Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before someone mentions the health care debate
I'd be happy to help wedge stale bread up the bird's asshole
I'm going to blame tryptophan for my passing out at the table
Let Thanksgiving be a reminder to start your holiday season bender
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder
I hope you become famous enough to not bother returning my calls
Let's safeguard ourselves against swine flu by only doing it doggie style
I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation
Let's boost office morale by going out to drink and complain about office morale
Happy birthday to a sports fan who may just be realizing he's now older than his favorite athletes
Sorry my Web browser history scared you
Sorry for what I said during my blackout
Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
The good news is that she was a cunt