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  • Easter Easter

    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

  • Easter Easter

    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

  • Easter Easter

    May your Easter be as festive and colorful as a legal gay wedding.

    May your Easter be as festive and colorful as a legal gay wedding.

  • Easter Easter

    This 4/20, let's smoke enough pot to find the story of Easter believable.

    This 4/20, let's smoke enough pot to find the story of Easter believable.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

  • Easter Easter

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

  • Easter Easter

    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

  • Easter Easter

    I'm sorry your celebration of 4/20 has gotten in the way of remembering where you hid the Easter eggs.

    I'm sorry your celebration of 4/20 has gotten in the way of remembering where you hid the Easter eggs.

  • Easter Easter

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

  • Easter Easter

    Let's take a break from debating gay marriage to remember an unmarried 33-year-old man who hung out with 12 dudes.

    Let's take a break from debating gay marriage to remember an unmarried 33-year-old man who hung out with 12 dudes.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

  • Easter Easter

    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another.

    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

  • Easter Easter

    Celebrating 4/20 has made me hungrier than Jesus after not eating for 3 days.

    Celebrating 4/20 has made me hungrier than Jesus after not eating for 3 days.

  • Easter Easter

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

  • Easter Easter

    May Jesus forgive me for what I do to my parents' bathroom after eating 17 slices of ham.

    May Jesus forgive me for what I do to my parents' bathroom after eating 17 slices of ham.

  • Easter Easter

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent.

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent.

  • Birthday Birthday

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

  • Easter Easter

    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew.

    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew.

  • Birthday Birthday

    It's ironic your birthday falls on Easter since you're clearly going to hell.

    It's ironic your birthday falls on Easter since you're clearly going to hell.

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