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  • Graduation Graduation

    Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of life.

    Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of life.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    You've officially earned access to every orifice.

    You've officially earned access to every orifice.

  • Workplace Workplace

    We're concerned your job is interfering with your drinking.

    We're concerned your job is interfering with your drinking.

  • Friendship Friendship

    I'd appreciate it if once in a while you took time from your busy schedule to call and find out that I am too busy to talk.

    I'd appreciate it if once in a while you took time from your busy schedule to call and find out that I am too busy to talk.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I can't wait for my boss to leave for the day so I can stop pretending to work.

    I can't wait for my boss to leave for the day so I can stop pretending to work.

  • Friendship Friendship

    You're the friend I'd feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.

    You're the friend I'd feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.

  • Friendship Friendship

    I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus.

    I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus.

  • Friendship Friendship

    Let's talk soon because I miss you hearing the sound of my voice.

    Let's talk soon because I miss you hearing the sound of my voice.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

    I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I need a time billing code for not doing shit.

    I need a time billing code for not doing shit.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    Fucking you really turns me on.

    Fucking you really turns me on.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

  • Confession Confession

    I may have over-trusted that fart.

    I may have over-trusted that fart.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I will love you until I forget who you are.

    I will love you until I forget who you are.

  • Flirting Flirting

    You had me at your proper use of 'You're'.

    You had me at your proper use of "You're".

  • Flirting Flirting

    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers.

    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    I love to watch you sleep before I wake you up and nail you.

    I love to watch you sleep before I wake you up and nail you.

  • Birthday Birthday

    I find it strange that we celebrate you on the anniversary of a day when your mom did all of the work.

    I find it strange that we celebrate you on the anniversary of a day when your mom did all of the work.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I think I've swallowed enough of your DNA to be considered Jewish.

    I think I've swallowed enough of your DNA to be considered Jewish.

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