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  • Workplace Workplace

    Having a job is the new raise.

    Having a job is the new raise.

  • Drinking Drinking

    It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed and talk shit about people, you're always there for me.

    It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed and talk shit about people, you're always there for me.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

  • Earth Day Earth Day

    Just wanted the office to know this Earth Day that I won't be giving any wasteful courtesy flushes during the crap I'm about to take.

    Just wanted the office to know this Earth Day that I won't be giving any wasteful courtesy flushes during the crap I'm about to take.

  • Earth Day Earth Day

    It's the perfect day to sound only slightly insane for warning the world about cow farts.

    It's the perfect day to sound only slightly insane for warning the world about cow farts.

  • Confession Confession

    I get all my recipes from the Food Network and all my food from Seamless.

    I get all my recipes from the Food Network and all my food from Seamless.

  • Easter Easter

    Celebrating 4/20 has made me hungrier than Jesus after not eating for 3 days.

    Celebrating 4/20 has made me hungrier than Jesus after not eating for 3 days.

  • Animated Text Animated Text

    You're Grammar Sucks.

    You're Grammar Sucks.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I want to book a trip to the part of your body US Airways tweeted.

    I want to book a trip to the part of your body US Airways tweeted.

  • Earth Day Earth Day

    Greetings From Earth 30 Percent Above Water For Now.

    Greetings From Earth 30 Percent Above Water For Now.

  • Wedding Wedding

    I would be honored to pretend to be honored to be in your wedding party.

    I would be honored to pretend to be honored to be in your wedding party.

  • Get Well Get Well

    Get well enough to return to picking up my slack at work soon.

    Get well enough to return to picking up my slack at work soon.

  • Weekend Weekend

    Let's drink this weekend as if we just escaped being stuck in a long conversation with Gwyneth Paltrow.

    Let's drink this weekend as if we just escaped being stuck in a long conversation with Gwyneth Paltrow.

  • Divorce Divorce

    I'd immediately divorce anyone who suggested we have a conscious uncoupling.

    I'd immediately divorce anyone who suggested we have a conscious uncoupling.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

    May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I'm already pondering how your new job might benefit me.

    I'm already pondering how your new job might benefit me.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Let's celebrate your new job promotion by doing something that can get you fired.

    Let's celebrate your new job promotion by doing something that can get you fired.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to a coworker whose birthday I actually care about more than eating their office birthday cake.

    Happy birthday to a coworker whose birthday I actually care about more than eating their office birthday cake.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I love you for so much more than just your life-saving body heat.

    I love you for so much more than just your life-saving body heat.

  • Mom Mom

    I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

    I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

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