I wish there was a holiday for people who don't do shit all day
The hurricane isn't coming anywhere near here but I say we evacuate anyway
I can't wait to see which one of us looks the least like our profile pictures
Let's celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else's bed
Paris Hilton saying her cocaine belonged to a friend reminded me I owe you a call
Sorry Hurricane Earl has been to better places than you this summer
I'm excited all the shows I record and don't have time to watch won Emmys
I'd be worried about a double-dip recession if I didn't lose all my money in the first one
If bedbugs can go from homes to places of business, maybe you can too
Your taste in music has me worried about getting stuck in traffic together
Understanding Inception may be the key to understanding why Inception is still a trending topic
We should discuss our vacations since I'm pretty sure mine was better
Let's discuss where to put a beach chair instead of where to put a mosque
Sorry you can't take vacation because you used all your vacation days on hangovers
I hope Tiger Woods' post-divorce sex life is as tragically lame as Don Draper's
I'm against building a mosque at Ground Zero unless they're hiring
The hurricane isn't coming anywhere near here but I say we evacuate anyway
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder
Paris Hilton saying her cocaine belonged to a friend reminded me I owe you a call
May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
