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Somewhat ..Somewhat ..

Time's running out to cash in on a made-up memoir, use a medical degree to get a tv show, or jump on a couch to declare your heterosexuality

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MoviesMovies

Watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a semi-datable human

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Somewhat ..Somewhat ..

Someday I'd like to have a #1 bestseller for failing to become vice-president, quitting as governor, and not aborting a child

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MoviesMovies

Let's pretend there's nothing alarming about a tween fantasy movie causing cougars to fantasize about statutory rape

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ThanksgivingThanksgiving

Best of luck this Thanksgiving to a newly hardcore germophobe

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BreakupBreakup

If you're tired of discussing my nightmarish relationship, I'd love the opportunity to begin discussing my nightmarish breakup

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ThanksgivingThanksgiving

Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before someone mentions the health care debate

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Somewhat ..Somewhat ..

I can't believe it's been 20 years since I didn't understand or give a shit about the falling of the Berlin Wall

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Veterans DayVeterans Day

Let's thank WWII vets for defeating Hitler and making America safe for lunatics who compare our leaders to Hitler

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Cry For HelpCry For Help

I'd consider going out tonight if I wasn't so tired from thinking about how to get out of going out tonight

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ApologyApology

Sorry I was too drunk to give you or me an orgasm

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SportsSports

This is the perfect day to wear your brand new Yankees hat

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SportsSports

Sorry Jimmy Rollins' prediction was off by a game and a team

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SportsSports

Congratulations to the Yankees on winning as many championships this decade as the Red Sox

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SportsSports

My first baseman sucks slightly less than yours this World Series

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Thinking Of YouThinking Of You

Being around you makes me want to briefly stop compulsively checking all forms of digital communication

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SportsSports

This postseason's umpiring has hopefully given you some perspective on my endless array of questionable workplace decisions

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HalloweenHalloween

Let's terrify Yankees fans this Halloween by dressing up as Cliff Lee

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SportsSports

I hope your tough, gritty, ragtag team of multi-millionaires is able to stand up to the Yankees

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SportsSports

Please don't take it personally during the World Series when I ferociously insult your team, your city, and everyone in your extended family

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