It may help you quit smoking if you stay focused on judging people who still smoke.
People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.
I encourage my pet's debilitating separation anxiety in order to boost my self-esteem.
You're getting a little too old to drunkenly wet the bed.
You can't wait seven years to propose if you're not in line to become king.
I'd rather stick my tongue in an ashtray.
Your boyfriend's old-fashioned romantic gestures may have to do with the fact that he's old.
Obama's victory doesn't mean it's okay to start randomly hugging black people.
I have a very itchy defriend finger.
Too bad the only 5 star rating your card will ever see is the one you just gave it.
You should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.
For every photo that you post on Facebook of your kid, I will post one of me having a life.
Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.
Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob.
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