May. 15th, 2012
May your thoughts and prayers this week be with Tom from MySpace.
May. 3rd, 2012
The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey can't possibly be more humiliating than the grammar in your posts about it.
Apr. 30th, 2012
The only thing more torturous than the sex in Fifty Shades of Grey is the writing in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Apr. 11th, 2012
Take comfort in knowing that the other meaning of Santorum will live on in Google searches forever.
Mar. 26th, 2012
Tiger Woods's win is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.
Mar. 15th, 2012
Just wanted to clear up any confusion this Ides of March by letting you know Julius Caesar wasn't killed by Ryan Gosling.
Apr. 19th, 2011
People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.
Mar. 5th, 2012
If you ever feel bad about starting a new work week, just remember how terrible your personal life is too.
Jul. 13th, 2011
Just a reminder to put me in your Google Plus circle of people who don't give a shit about your love for Harry Potter.
Jul. 7th, 2011
Don't forget your outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict the next time you're desperately trying to dodge jury duty.
Jun. 8th, 2011
A penny saved is ridiculous.
May. 17th, 2011
Just a reminder to never get married to, work for, be governed by, or see a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Apr. 28th, 2011
I think most people are online just to obnoxiously draw attention to other people's spelling and grammar mistakes.
Apr. 7th, 2011
Let's try and remember to stop electing people who are as terrible with money as we are.
Mar. 8th, 2011
If you spent as much time at the gym as you do on photoshop, you'd actually look that good.
Sep. 21st, 2010
Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.
Jan. 20th, 2011
The only idea worse than marrying Jesse James is getting a tattoo to express your everlasting love for Jesse James.
Jan. 18th, 2011
Your online comments make me glad I only know you online.
Jan. 4th, 2011
The only thing fake on me is my smile.
Jan. 3rd, 2011
I will still love you no matter how fat I get.
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