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    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on.

    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on

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    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob.

    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob

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    You should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.

    You should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.

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    Just a reminder that my heart rate goes up significantly when you don't answer my email between 45 seconds and 3 minutes after I've sent it.

    Just a reminder that my heart rate goes up significantly when you don't answer my email between 45 seconds and 3 minutes after I've sent it.

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    Eat like nobody's watching.

    Eat like nobody's watching.

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    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

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    You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

    You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

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    I'm not fat, I'm married.

    I'm not fat, I'm married.

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    There are better things in life than alcohol but alcohol makes up for not having them.

    There are better things in life than alcohol but alcohol makes up for not having them.

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    The best way to find out if someone is a vegan is that they'll immediately tell you.

    The best way to find out if someone is a vegan is that they'll immediately tell you.

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    Now that we're married, it's technically 'our' vagina.

    Now that we're married, it's technically "our" vagina.

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    Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post about it on Facebook.

    Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post about it on Facebook.

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    People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.

    People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.

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    A penny saved is ridiculous.

    A penny saved is ridiculous.

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    I have a very itchy defriend finger.

    I have a very itchy defriend finger.

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    Don't forget to pray for the leaders of your religion to stop raping children.

    Don't forget to pray for the leaders of your religion to stop raping children

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    Don't forget your outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict the next time you're desperately trying to dodge jury duty.

    Don't forget your outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict the next time you're desperately trying to dodge jury duty.

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    I'm not perfect.

    I'm not perfect

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    You only get one chance to make a first impression.

    You only get one chance to make a first impression

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    I'd rather stick my tongue in an ashtray.

    I'd rather stick my tongue in an ashtray

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