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    If you go to law school, you will probably have to become a lawyer.

    If you go to law school, you will probably have to become a lawyer

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    Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole.

    Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole

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    Just a reminder to never get married to, work for, be governed by, or see a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    Just a reminder to never get married to, work for, be governed by, or see a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger

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    You're getting a little too old to drunkenly wet the bed.

    You're getting a little too old to drunkenly wet the bed

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    Several years from now, I will kick your ass.

    Several years from now, I will kick your ass

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    Just wanted to remind you how important it is to pay your taxes because they pay for my unemployment.

    Just wanted to remind you how important it is to pay your taxes because they pay for my unemployment

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    Just a reminder something's coming up you may have been too busy, lazy, or self-absorbed to fully process.

    Just a reminder something's coming up you may have been too busy, lazy, or self-absorbed to fully process

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    You may want to wait for the version of the iPad that doesn't include strangers asking if it's an iPad.

    You may want to wait for the version of the iPad that doesn't include strangers asking if it's an iPad

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    It's important to keep up with horrifically bleak current events.

    It's important to keep up with horrifically bleak current events

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    Move your meat, lose your fiancee.

    Move your meat, lose your fiancee

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    The extra seconds it periodically takes for your Web site to load is taking years off my life.

    The extra seconds it periodically takes for your Web site to load is taking years off my life

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    I did better than you on the SATs.

    I did better than you on the SATs

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    Being in a relationship is precisely as undesirable as being single.

    Being in a relationship is precisely as undesirable as being single

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    Hos before Bros.

    Hos before Bros

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    It may help you quit smoking if you stay focused on judging people who still smoke.

    It may help you quit smoking if you stay focused on judging people who still smoke

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    Don't touch my chocolate.

    Don't touch my chocolate

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    Don't lend me money.

    Don't lend me money

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    My wife is slightly hotter than yours.

    My wife is slightly hotter than yours

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    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on.

    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on

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    If you ever tweet my eulogy, please make sure I'm dead.

    If you ever tweet my eulogy, please make sure I'm dead

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