The Pill serves as a daily reminder you're not getting laid
Just a reminder it's daylight savings this weekend which means I'll be late Monday when I forget it's daylight savings
Your boyfriend's old-fashioned romantic gestures may have to do with the fact that he's old
You're too old to have a roommate
Don't touch my chocolate
Don't fuck with me
Haven't heard back so I assume you're busy, flaky, or dead
Deciding to ride your bike without a helmet is a beacon of hope for those in need of new organs
I'm a better athlete than you
Your Starbucks drink order embarrasses me
I don't like being touched by dudes
Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on
Hos before Bros
Don't forget it's 2010 when you're writing this year's bad checks
My wife is slightly hotter than yours
If you ever tweet my eulogy, please make sure I'm dead
You're different when you drink
Try to read a news headline every day
I strongly advise you to wait until the Salmonella outbreak is under control before even considering having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls
I'm not perfect
I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the Irish
Save money this St. Patrick's Day by passing out as fast as humanly possible
Lets enjoy the first days of spring watching college basketball in a windowless bar
I'm worried your complete ignorance of college basketball gives you a decided advantage in the office pool
You're only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked
We need to get back to New York
Let's determine how to safely greet each other during swine flu season
Let's thank WWII vets for defeating Hitler and making America safe for lunatics who compare our leaders to Hitler