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Your cooking sucks shit

I went to a better college than you

Your footwear is disgraceful

I did better than you on the SATs

Just a reminder to put me in your Google Plus circle of people who don't give a shit about your love for Harry Potter.

I've done something for you lately

Your Starbucks drink order embarrasses me

As someone currently in a long-term relationship, allow me to walk you through the horrors of being in a long-term relationship

I'm doing my part to save the planet by occasionally using method hand soap

The extra seconds it periodically takes for your Web site to load is taking years off my life

You may want to wait for the version of the iPad that doesn't include strangers asking if it's an iPad

I'm still pissed

Your online comments make me glad I only know you online

I'm a better athlete than you

The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey can't possibly be more humiliating than the grammar in your posts about it.

There are painless, innovative new ways for men to shave their bodies

Don't lend me money

Hos before Bros

Wear your nicest t-shirt tomorrow

Why are you going over your monthly expenses? No, let me shorten this process for you: You make dog shit, so don't spend any money

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