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    You may want to wait for the version of the iPad that doesn't include strangers asking if it's an iPad.

    You may want to wait for the version of the iPad that doesn't include strangers asking if it's an iPad

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    I've done something for you lately.

    I've done something for you lately

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    Your online comments make me glad I only know you online.

    Your online comments make me glad I only know you online

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    As someone currently in a long-term relationship, allow me to walk you through the horrors of being in a long-term relationship.

    As someone currently in a long-term relationship, allow me to walk you through the horrors of being in a long-term relationship

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    The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey can't possibly be more humiliating than the grammar in your posts about it.

    The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey can't possibly be more humiliating than the grammar in your posts about it.

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    You owe me money.

    You owe me money

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    Don't lend me money.

    Don't lend me money

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    The extra seconds it periodically takes for your Web site to load is taking years off my life.

    The extra seconds it periodically takes for your Web site to load is taking years off my life

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    Wear your nicest t-shirt tomorrow.

    Wear your nicest t-shirt tomorrow

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    I'm still pissed.

    I'm still pissed

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    Move your meat, lose your fiancee.

    Move your meat, lose your fiancee

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    I'm a better athlete than you.

    I'm a better athlete than you

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    There are stupid questions.

    There are stupid questions

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    Stop nagging me about how much I'm nagging you.

    Stop nagging me about how much I'm nagging you.

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    I think most people are online just to obnoxiously draw attention to other people's spelling and grammar mistakes.

    I think most people are online just to obnoxiously draw attention to other people's spelling and grammar mistakes

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    You may not get lung cancer from smoking e-cigarettes but you may get me punching you in the cock.

    You may not get lung cancer from smoking e-cigarettes but you may get me punching you in the cock.

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    If you ever feel bad about starting a new work week, just remember how terrible your personal life is too.

    If you ever feel bad about starting a new work week, just remember how terrible your personal life is too

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    Just a reminder that I'll always be running late.

    Just a reminder that I'll always be running late.

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    May your thoughts and prayers this week be with Tom from MySpace.

    May your thoughts and prayers this week be with Tom from MySpace.

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    Just wanted to clear up any confusion this Ides of March by letting you know Julius Caesar wasn't killed by Ryan Gosling.

    Just wanted to clear up any confusion this Ides of March by letting you know Julius Caesar wasn't killed by Ryan Gosling

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