•  

    Just a reminder to put me in your Google Plus circle of people who don't give a shit about your love for Harry Potter.

    Just a reminder to put me in your Google Plus circle of people who don't give a shit about your love for Harry Potter.

  •  

    Don't forget your outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict the next time you're desperately trying to dodge jury duty.

    Don't forget your outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict the next time you're desperately trying to dodge jury duty.

  •  

    A penny saved is ridiculous.

    A penny saved is ridiculous.

  •  

    Just a reminder to never get married to, work for, be governed by, or see a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    Just a reminder to never get married to, work for, be governed by, or see a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger

  •  

    I think most people are online just to obnoxiously draw attention to other people's spelling and grammar mistakes.

    I think most people are online just to obnoxiously draw attention to other people's spelling and grammar mistakes

  •  

    Let's try and remember to stop electing people who are as terrible with money as we are.

    Let's try and remember to stop electing people who are as terrible with money as we are

  •  

    If you spent as much time at the gym as you do on photoshop, you'd actually look that good.

    If you spent as much time at the gym as you do on photoshop, you'd actually look that good.

  •  

    Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

    Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

  •  

    The only idea worse than marrying Jesse James is getting a tattoo to express your everlasting love for Jesse James.

    The only idea worse than marrying Jesse James is getting a tattoo to express your everlasting love for Jesse James

  •  

    Your online comments make me glad I only know you online.

    Your online comments make me glad I only know you online

  •  

    The only thing fake on me is my smile.

    The only thing fake on me is my smile

  •  

    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

  •  

    Don't forget it's 2012 when you're writing this year's bad checks.

    Don't forget it's 2012 when you're writing this year's bad checks

  •  

    Your five percent tip today ensures I'll spit on ninety-five percent of your next meal.

    Your five percent tip today ensures I'll spit on ninety-five percent of your next meal.

  •  

    You can't wait seven years to propose if you're not in line to become king.

    You can't wait seven years to propose if you're not in line to become king

  •  

    Facebook reminders help keep me up to date on why I should stop using Facebook.

    Facebook reminders help keep me up to date on why I should stop using Facebook

  •  

    Don't forget to forget to vote on November 2nd.

    Don't forget to forget to vote on November 2nd.

  •  

    I encourage my pet's debilitating separation anxiety in order to boost my self-esteem.

    I encourage my pet's debilitating separation anxiety in order to boost my self-esteem.

  •  

    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob.

    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob

  •  

    When no one is watching, masturbate as if someone is.

    When no one is watching, masturbate as if someone is.

DON'T MISS THIS