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    Nothing's more offensive than asking if I'm on my period while I'm on my period.

    Nothing's more offensive than asking if I'm on my period while I'm on my period.

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    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on.

    Hearing you snore does the exact opposite of turning me on

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    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob.

    Never bite the hand that gives you a handjob

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    You should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.

    You should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.

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    Just a reminder that my heart rate goes up significantly when you don't answer my email between 45 seconds and 3 minutes after I've sent it.

    Just a reminder that my heart rate goes up significantly when you don't answer my email between 45 seconds and 3 minutes after I've sent it.

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    Eat like nobody's watching.

    Eat like nobody's watching.

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    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

    I will still love you no matter how fat I get.

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    You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

    You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

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    I'm not fat, I'm married.

    I'm not fat, I'm married.

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    There are better things in life than alcohol but alcohol makes up for not having them.

    There are better things in life than alcohol but alcohol makes up for not having them.

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    The best way to find out if someone is a vegan is that they'll immediately tell you.

    The best way to find out if someone is a vegan is that they'll immediately tell you.

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    Now that we're married, it's technically 'our' vagina.

    Now that we're married, it's technically "our" vagina.

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    Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post about it on Facebook.

    Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post about it on Facebook.

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    People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.

    People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.

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    A penny saved is ridiculous.

    A penny saved is ridiculous.

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    I have a very itchy defriend finger.

    I have a very itchy defriend finger.

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    Allow me to walk you through the menstrual cycle.

    Allow me to walk you through the menstrual cycle

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    I'd rather stick my tongue in an ashtray.

    I'd rather stick my tongue in an ashtray

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    Let's remember to respect the privacy that Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn requested in their worldwide message on Facebook.

    Let's remember to respect the privacy that Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn requested in their worldwide message on Facebook.

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    Grotesque musicians have active sex lives.

    Grotesque musicians have active sex lives

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