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  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope you're ready for a long, torturous season of American Idol after all of the football you made me watch.

    I hope you're ready for a long, torturous season of American Idol after all of the football you made me watch.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    You're surprisingly well-educated for an American.

    You're surprisingly well-educated for an American.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Happy Native American Genocide Day.

    Happy Native American Genocide Day.

  • Independence Day Independence Day

    Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China.

    Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Seeing an American acquitted of a sex crime in Italy should convince Kobe Bryant to play there this winter.

    Seeing an American acquitted of a sex crime in Italy should convince Kobe Bryant to play there this winter.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Remember to not base your vote on which presidential candidate's middle name sounds more American.

    Remember to not base your vote on which presidential candidate's middle name sounds more American.

  • U.S. U.S.

    Proudly flying the American flag because federal law requires it.

    Proudly flying the American flag because federal law requires it.

  • Black History.. Black History..

    Happy Valentine's Day and Black History Month to my African American lover.

    Happy Valentine's Day and Black History Month to my African American lover.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The real victims in the Anthony Weiner scandal are the American people who have to keep seeing pictures of his boner.

    The real victims in the Anthony Weiner scandal are the American people who have to keep seeing pictures of his boner.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm leaning towards voting for the presidential candidate not endorsed by the worst president in American history.

    I'm leaning towards voting for the presidential candidate not endorsed by the worst president in American history.

  • Columbus Day Columbus Day

    There's nothing more American than complaining all day about not having Columbus Day off.

    There's nothing more American than complaining all day about not having Columbus Day off.

  • St. Patrick's.. St. Patrick's..

    Let's celebrate a proud Irish tradition by drinking shameful American beers.

    Let's celebrate a proud Irish tradition by drinking shameful American beers.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I bet I'd be much more outraged by the results of last night's American Idol if I'd ever watched a single episode of American Idol.

    I bet I'd be much more outraged by the results of last night's American Idol if I'd ever watched a single episode of American Idol.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Happy Valentine's Day and Black History Month to my African American lover.

    Happy Valentine's Day and Black History Month to my African American lover.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories.

    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories.

  • Sports Sports

    Here's to American athletes performing better in London than Mitt Romney has.

    Here's to American athletes performing better in London than Mitt Romney has.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations on your baseball team securing home-field advantage at a home field that's usually empty.

    Congratulations on your baseball team securing home-field advantage at a home field that's usually empty.

  • International International

    We'll pretty much go to any lengths to bring a hot American girl back here.

    We'll pretty much go to any lengths to bring a hot American girl back here.

  • Canada Day Canada Day

    On Canada Day, best of luck in not being mistaken for an American.

    On Canada Day, best of luck in not being mistaken for an American.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm glad Alec Baldwin was finally made to feel as unwelcome and insignificant as his brothers.

    I'm glad Alec Baldwin was finally made to feel as unwelcome and insignificant as his brothers.

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