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  • Confession Confession

    Every time you upload pictures of your amazing vacation to Facebook, I wonder how easy it would be to burglarize your empty apartment.

    Every time you upload pictures of your amazing vacation to Facebook, I wonder how easy it would be to burglarize your empty apartment.

  • Moonrise Kingdom Moonrise Kingdom

    The only way I'd ever consider sleeping outdoors is if I locked myself out of my apartment.

    The only way I'd ever consider sleeping outdoors is if I locked myself out of my apartment.

  • Chinese New Year Chinese New Year

    May your fireworks help ward off evil spirits and not cause my dog to unleash his bowels all over my apartment.

    May your fireworks help ward off evil spirits and not cause my dog to unleash his bowels all over my apartment.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Glad you found a new place to never do the goddamn dishes.

    Glad you found a new place to never do the goddamn dishes.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'd definitely attend a marijuana legalization rally if I wasn't too stoned to leave my apartment.

    I'd definitely attend a marijuana legalization rally if I wasn't too stoned to leave my apartment.

  • Weekend Weekend

    I'd love to do something with you this weekend within a one-block radius of my apartment.

    I'd love to do something with you this weekend within a one-block radius of my apartment.

  • Cute Therapy Cute Therapy

    Maybe your apartment isn't as small as you think.

    Maybe your apartment isn't as small as you think.

  • Clorox Bleach.. Clorox Bleach..

    My New Year's resolution is to clean up my apartment and my life.

    My New Year's resolution is to clean up my apartment and my life.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Remember to tip your super this holiday season to ensure he continues angrily doing slightly more than nothing.

    Remember to tip your super this holiday season to ensure he continues angrily doing slightly more than nothing.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I don't need a citywide terrorist manhunt to not remotely consider leaving my apartment.

    I don't need a citywide terrorist manhunt to not remotely consider leaving my apartment.

  • Confession Confession

    I wish my sex life was as filthy as my apartment.

    I wish my sex life was as filthy as my apartment.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Love Coupon: Good for one sleepover at your filthy and/or inconveniently located apartment.

    Love Coupon: Good for one sleepover at your filthy and/or inconveniently located apartment.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm pretty sure the Chilean rescue elevator is safer than the one in my apartment building.

    I'm pretty sure the Chilean rescue elevator is safer than the one in my apartment building.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on finally being able to afford your own place because your parents gave you the money.

    Congratulations on finally being able to afford your own place because your parents gave you the money.

  • TV TV

    Sorry your apartment after graduation won't even be as nice as the crappy ones on Girls.

    Sorry your apartment after graduation won't even be as nice as the crappy ones on Girls.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Here's to the anniversary of you leaving the womb during a time of year when I barely want to leave my apartment.

    Here's to the anniversary of you leaving the womb during a time of year when I barely want to leave my apartment.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on moving into something other than a treatment facility.

    Congratulations on moving into something other than a treatment facility.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    The mild weather is making it harder to justify hiding in my apartment all winter.

    The mild weather is making it harder to justify hiding in my apartment all winter.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I want to spend the rest of my lease with you.

    I want to spend the rest of my lease with you.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for being the best roommate ever by never being here.

    Thanks for being the best roommate ever by never being here.

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