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  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    If you're still undecided in Nevada, just think about which candidate you'd like to have a beer and legally solicit a prostitute with.

    If you're still undecided in Nevada, just think about which candidate you'd like to have a beer and legally solicit a prostitute with.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm confident the iPhone 5 will help the economy more than either presidential candidate will.

    I'm confident the iPhone 5 will help the economy more than either presidential candidate will.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again.

    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope your presidential candidate only loses by a little.

    I hope your presidential candidate only loses by a little.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I strongly encourage you to vote even if it's for the wrong candidate.

    I strongly encourage you to vote even if it's for the wrong candidate.

  • Monster In-Laws Monster In-Laws

    Happy Mother's Day to a woman who thankfully will never be a candidate for the show Monster In-Laws.

    Happy Mother's Day to a woman who thankfully will never be a candidate for the show Monster In-Laws.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the slightly less awful and eventually completely ineffective candidate.

    Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the slightly less awful and eventually completely ineffective candidate.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm curious to see where each presidential candidate stands on the issue of boring me to tears during a presidential debate.

    I'm curious to see where each presidential candidate stands on the issue of boring me to tears during a presidential debate.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm voting for the presidential candidate who says the fewest idiotic things on the road to being completely incompetent in office.

    I'm voting for the presidential candidate who says the fewest idiotic things on the road to being completely incompetent in office.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm leaning towards voting for the presidential candidate not endorsed by the worst president in American history.

    I'm leaning towards voting for the presidential candidate not endorsed by the worst president in American history.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I miss the days of Sarah Palin being the scariest Republican candidate in history.

    I miss the days of Sarah Palin being the scariest Republican candidate in history.

  • Yom Kippur Yom Kippur

    My presidential candidate is much better than your presidential candidate at pandering to Jews on Yom Kippur.

    My presidential candidate is much better than your presidential candidate at pandering to Jews on Yom Kippur.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm glad Newt Gingrich's surge gives him the opportunity to be despised by a whole new generation.

    I'm glad Newt Gingrich's surge gives him the opportunity to be despised by a whole new generation.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Just curious if you're interested in watching the inauguration even though your candidate lost.

    Just curious if you're interested in watching the inauguration even though your candidate lost.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    I hope your presidential candidate can get back to only embarrassing himself by saying things he doesn't actually believe.

    I hope your presidential candidate can get back to only embarrassing himself by saying things he doesn't actually believe.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope Rick Perry wins the Republican nomination because it'll be the closest I get to not voting for Bush again.

    I hope Rick Perry wins the Republican nomination because it'll be the closest I get to not voting for Bush again.

  • Graduation Graduation

    Your ability to ace finals while lethally hungover would make you the perfect candidate for a Wall Street job if there were any.

    Your ability to ace finals while lethally hungover would make you the perfect candidate for a Wall Street job if there were any.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    My candidate is better than your candidate at delivering scripted debate responses.

    My candidate is better than your candidate at delivering scripted debate responses.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    May your awkward attempts to befriend black people be less disastrous than Mitt Romney's.

    May your awkward attempts to befriend black people be less disastrous than Mitt Romney's.

  • Canada Day Canada Day

    Canada Day is a great reminder to move to Canada if any of the current Republican presidential candidates win.

    Canada Day is a great reminder to move to Canada if any of the current Republican presidential candidates win.

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