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  • Birthday Birthday

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

  • Birthday Birthday

    I was going to drink tonight anyway but I'm happier it's because we're celebrating your birthday.

    I was going to drink tonight anyway but I'm happier it's because we're celebrating your birthday.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'm celebrating Hump Day by falling asleep on top of you during sex.

    I'm celebrating Hump Day by falling asleep on top of you during sex.

  • Birthday Birthday

    No alcohol-monitoring bracelet could stop me from celebrating your birthday.

    No alcohol-monitoring bracelet could stop me from celebrating your birthday.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you live to be so old that there's a genuine risk you could die from the excitement of celebrating your birthday.

    May you live to be so old that there's a genuine risk you could die from the excitement of celebrating your birthday.

  • Birthday Birthday

    I promise not to get you pregnant while celebrating the day you were born.

    I promise not to get you pregnant while celebrating the day you were born.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Hope you're such a disaster while celebrating your birthday that they name a hurricane after you.

    Hope you're such a disaster while celebrating your birthday that they name a hurricane after you.

  • Sports Sports

    I'm so excited about the U.S. World Cup victory I'd almost not strangle someone for celebrating with a vuvuzela.

    I'm so excited about the U.S. World Cup victory I'd almost not strangle someone for celebrating with a vuvuzela.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'll be enthusiastically celebrating Obama's inauguration to disguise the fact that I forgot to vote.

    I'll be enthusiastically celebrating Obama's inauguration to disguise the fact that I forgot to vote.

  • Ramadan Ramadan

    Sorry more people in our country are celebrating Shark Week than Ramadan.

    Sorry more people in our country are celebrating Shark Week than Ramadan.

  • Cinco De Mayo Cinco De Mayo

    I'm celebrating Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell.

    I'm celebrating Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm celebrating the passage of health care reform so people think I understand any of it.

    I'm celebrating the passage of health care reform so people think I understand any of it.

  • Earth Day Earth Day

    Let's hope celebrating Earth Day will convince Earth to stop trying to kill us for one day.

    Let's hope celebrating Earth Day will convince Earth to stop trying to kill us for one day.

  • Chinese New Year Chinese New Year

    Please be aware I will be celebrating Chinese New Year by recklessly shooting firecrackers in public locations for the next two weeks.

    Please be aware I will be celebrating Chinese New Year by recklessly shooting firecrackers in public locations for the next two weeks.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's celebrate being nowhere near Miami Heat fans celebrating this weekend.

    Let's celebrate being nowhere near Miami Heat fans celebrating this weekend.

  • Mike's holiday Mike's holiday

    Let's give thanks this holiday season for loved ones who still let us eat and drink for free.

    Let's give thanks this holiday season for loved ones who still let us eat and drink for free.

  • Rosh Hashanah Rosh Hashanah

    Celebrating the Jewish New Year is like celebrating the regular New Year except we blow into a ram's horn and have the exact opposite of fun.

    Celebrating the Jewish New Year is like celebrating the regular New Year except we blow into a ram's horn and have the exact opposite of fun.

  • Earth Day Earth Day

    I'm celebrating Earth Day by once again having no wedding invitations to send out.

    I'm celebrating Earth Day by once again having no wedding invitations to send out.

  • Divorce Divorce

    Please join me in celebrating the end of my marriage.

    Please join me in celebrating the end of my marriage.

  • Groundhog Day Groundhog Day

    I'm celebrating Groundhog Day by repeating the same crappy day I had yesterday.

    I'm celebrating Groundhog Day by repeating the same crappy day I had yesterday.

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