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  • Birthday Birthday

    Congratulations on being one year closer to a senior citizen's discount at the movies.

    Congratulations on being one year closer to a senior citizen's discount at the movies.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice.

    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on being even more annoying than your phone's ringtone.

    Congratulations on being even more annoying than your phone's ringtone.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Congratulations on your biological clock overriding your common sense and budget.

    Congratulations on your biological clock overriding your common sense and budget.

  • Wedding Wedding

    Congratulations on starting your new life together of being constantly mistaken for father and daughter.

    Congratulations on starting your new life together of being constantly mistaken for father and daughter.

  • Baby Baby

    You're going to be a great MILF.

    You're going to be a great MILF.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on finding your balls again.

    Congratulations on finding your balls again.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

    Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.

    Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you're already doing.

    Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you're already doing.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on being in a relationship with someone who doesn't realize they're in a relationship.

    Congratulations on being in a relationship with someone who doesn't realize they're in a relationship.

  • Baby Baby

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Congratulations on your pregnancy and newfound status as designated driver.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy and newfound status as designated driver.

  • Drinking Drinking

    Congratulations on your 35th minute anniversary of being clean and sober.

    Congratulations on your 35th minute anniversary of being clean and sober.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

  • Baby Baby

    Congratulations to someone whose sperm seem to find eggs faster than a kid on Easter.

    Congratulations to someone whose sperm seem to find eggs faster than a kid on Easter.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

  • Birthday Birthday

    50th Birthday: Congratulations on turning an age when you can stop pretending to care about pop culture, technology, and your appearance.

    50th Birthday: Congratulations on turning an age when you can stop pretending to care about pop culture, technology, and your appearance.

  • Congratulations Congratulations

    Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.

    Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.

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