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  • Easter Easter

    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan.

    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan.

  • Anniversary Anniversary

    I'm more than happy to answer all your thinly veiled questions about my commitment to you over dinner tonight.

    I'm more than happy to answer all your thinly veiled questions about my commitment to you over dinner tonight.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with anyone else.

    Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with anyone else.

  • Flirting Flirting

    If our genitals could use the telephone, my penis would be cold calling your vagina everyday during dinner.

    If our genitals could use the telephone, my penis would be cold calling your vagina everyday during dinner.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thank you for managing to eat dinner without posting pictures of it on Instagram.

    Thank you for managing to eat dinner without posting pictures of it on Instagram.

  • Wendy's Lunch.. Wendy's Lunch..

    Asking you out for Valentine's lunch is in no way an admission that I forgot to make dinner reservations.

    Asking you out for Valentine's lunch is in no way an admission that I forgot to make dinner reservations.

  • Yom Kippur Yom Kippur

    Happy Yom Kippur to my grandparents on the one day of the year we're all happy to eat dinner as early as you usually do.

    Happy Yom Kippur to my grandparents on the one day of the year we're all happy to eat dinner as early as you usually do.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic.

    Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic.

  • Manwich Manwich

    If my sandwich doesn't have sauce I consider it a snack.

    If my sandwich doesn't have sauce I consider it a snack.

  • Chinese New Year Chinese New Year

    May your Chinese New Year dinner be filled with nothing but the finest yak penis.

    May your Chinese New Year dinner be filled with nothing but the finest yak penis.

  • Thanksgivukkah Thanksgivukkah

    Trying to cook for people on Thanksgivukkah sounds almost as annoying as trying to cook for vegans on any day of the year.

    Trying to cook for people on Thanksgivukkah sounds almost as annoying as trying to cook for vegans on any day of the year.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Good luck masking your eating disorder this Thanksgiving.

    Good luck masking your eating disorder this Thanksgiving.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Be thankful that only one-third of your family has been institutionalized.

    Be thankful that only one-third of your family has been institutionalized.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Let's have a quiet, relaxing, multi-course dinner cooked by you at home this Valentine's Day.

    Let's have a quiet, relaxing, multi-course dinner cooked by you at home this Valentine's Day.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

    I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

  • Apology Apology

    Sorry I can't make it to your party, dinner, or event because I want to watch previously recorded television.

    Sorry I can't make it to your party, dinner, or event because I want to watch previously recorded television.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for taking me to dinner and suggesting we go dutch.

    Thanks for taking me to dinner and suggesting we go dutch.

  • Manwich Manwich

    I judge a man by the size of his sandwich.

    I judge a man by the size of his sandwich.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money.

    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money.

  • Thanksgivukkah Thanksgivukkah

    Let's be grateful that Thanksgiving isn't happening at the same time as Yom Kippur.

    Let's be grateful that Thanksgiving isn't happening at the same time as Yom Kippur.

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