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  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to the family member I'm least ashamed to be related to.

    Happy birthday to the family member I'm least ashamed to be related to.

  • Birthday Birthday

    You don't need to be a royal fetus for me to be excited about your birthday.

    You don't need to be a royal fetus for me to be excited about your birthday.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Dad, I think I'm going to enjoy your uncomfortably honest old guy stage.

    Dad, I think I'm going to enjoy your uncomfortably honest old guy stage.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    I'm wildly in love with you provided my friends, family and therapist are in agreement.

    I'm wildly in love with you provided my friends, family and therapist are in agreement.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you live to be so old that your family talks about you like you're not even there.

    May you live to be so old that your family talks about you like you're not even there.

  • Mom Mom

    I may have an only-child family, but you have a multi-child body.

    I may have an only-child family, but you have a multi-child body.

  • April Fool's Day April Fool's Day

    I couldn't think of any clever pranks this year, so I sent your whole family a tasteful photo of my balls.

    I couldn't think of any clever pranks this year, so I sent your whole family a tasteful photo of my balls.

  • Wedding Wedding

    Welcome to the family.

    Welcome to the family.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    Sorry your family vacation is with your family.

    Sorry your family vacation is with your family.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you live long enough that you become an emotional and financial burden to your whole family.

    May you live long enough that you become an emotional and financial burden to your whole family.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for climaxing quietly when we visit family.

    Thanks for climaxing quietly when we visit family.

  • Family Family

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

  • Modern Family Modern Family

    Thanks for being the black sheep of the family so I can get away with so much more.

    Thanks for being the black sheep of the family so I can get away with so much more.

  • Take Kids To.. Take Kids To..

    May getting your child interested in your job have less disastrous consequences than it did for the Bush family.

    May getting your child interested in your job have less disastrous consequences than it did for the Bush family.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas except you don't get any presents for holding in all your familial rage.

    Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas except you don't get any presents for holding in all your familial rage.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man.

    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Rather than banning porn, I wish Britain would ban updates on the royal family.

    Rather than banning porn, I wish Britain would ban updates on the royal family.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    It's refreshing to see a politician publicly humiliate his family for reasons unrelated to his own sex life.

    It's refreshing to see a politician publicly humiliate his family for reasons unrelated to his own sex life.

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