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  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card.

    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

  • Breakup Breakup

    Let's not break up until after the holidays.

    Let's not break up until after the holidays.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

  • Parental.. Parental..

    I love sharing a drink with my family over the holidays as a nice change from drinking because of them.

    I love sharing a drink with my family over the holidays as a nice change from drinking because of them.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

    You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I wish there was a holiday deal on hiring someone to delete all the emails I receive about holiday deals.

    I wish there was a holiday deal on hiring someone to delete all the emails I receive about holiday deals.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I wish Santa was a one percenter.

    I wish Santa was a one percenter.

  • DailyCandy DailyCandy

    Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth to someone whose talent for vicious gossip has made my life all the richer.

    Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth to someone whose talent for vicious gossip has made my life all the richer.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I don't exist.

    I don't exist.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I'm not getting you a holiday present because I know you don't like writing thank-you notes.

    I'm not getting you a holiday present because I know you don't like writing thank-you notes.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    I'd be fine with horrifying climate change if it prevented me from traveling home for Thanksgiving.

    I'd be fine with horrifying climate change if it prevented me from traveling home for Thanksgiving.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    All I want for Christmas this year is the 2008 version of Obama.

    All I want for Christmas this year is the 2008 version of Obama.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I'll never be the Secret Santa you deserve.

    I'll never be the Secret Santa you deserve.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Happy early Christmas from someone who's already eaten their way through 3 1/2 weeks of an Advent calendar.

    Happy early Christmas from someone who's already eaten their way through 3 1/2 weeks of an Advent calendar.

  • New Year's New Year's

    Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.

    Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.

  • Pop Secret Movie Pop Secret Movie

    Holiday movies teach us that miracles can happen, provided you're a rich and attractive Hollywood actor.

    Holiday movies teach us that miracles can happen, provided you're a rich and attractive Hollywood actor.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il.

    May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il.

  • JELL-O JELL-O

    Let's never discuss any of the things we told each other when we thought the world was ending.

    Let's never discuss any of the things we told each other when we thought the world was ending.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

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