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  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

    Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

    Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm glad there will be an iPhone that's affordable to the sweatshop workers who make iPhones.

    I'm glad there will be an iPhone that's affordable to the sweatshop workers who make iPhones.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I want to probe you as deeply and passionately as if you were my new iPhone.

    I want to probe you as deeply and passionately as if you were my new iPhone.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    It's amazing that people with enough free time to wait in line for the new iPhone can afford a new iPhone.

    It's amazing that people with enough free time to wait in line for the new iPhone can afford a new iPhone.

  • Weekend Weekend

    Spending hundreds of dollars on a marginally different iPhone still isn't the worst decision I'll make this weekend.

    Spending hundreds of dollars on a marginally different iPhone still isn't the worst decision I'll make this weekend.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I wish the iPhone hadn't destroyed my attention span to the point that I don't have the patience to wait in line for the new iPhone.

    I wish the iPhone hadn't destroyed my attention span to the point that I don't have the patience to wait in line for the new iPhone.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    Good luck deciding which color iPhone best matches your desperate need for attention.

    Good luck deciding which color iPhone best matches your desperate need for attention.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    You'd be my first call from my new iPhone if either of us had the social skills to talk on a phone anymore.

    You'd be my first call from my new iPhone if either of us had the social skills to talk on a phone anymore.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I hope I die doing what I love, checking my Facebook notifications while driving.

    I hope I die doing what I love, checking my Facebook notifications while driving.

  • Friendship Friendship

    Whenever you're ready to look up from your phone, I'm here for you.

    Whenever you're ready to look up from your phone, I'm here for you.

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