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  • Sports Sports

    The only things standing between us and our Olympic dreams are that we're out-of-shape, apathetic, and incapable of passing a drug test.

    The only things standing between us and our Olympic dreams are that we're out-of-shape, apathetic, and incapable of passing a drug test.

  • Sports Sports

    Enjoy watching a Summer Olympics being held in a country where summer doesn't exist.

    Enjoy watching a Summer Olympics being held in a country where summer doesn't exist.

  • Sports Sports

    I challenge any Olympic athlete to a competition in rapidly spreading half-baked office gossip.

    I challenge any Olympic athlete to a competition in rapidly spreading half-baked office gossip.

  • Sports Sports

    Here's to American athletes performing better in London than Mitt Romney has.

    Here's to American athletes performing better in London than Mitt Romney has.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'd definitely riot against our inept government if I wasn't so busy complaining about it online.

    I'd definitely riot against our inept government if I wasn't so busy complaining about it online.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The turmoil in Europe really puts a crimp in the European vacation you never take me on.

    The turmoil in Europe really puts a crimp in the European vacation you never take me on.

  • Sports Sports

    Watching Olympic gymnasts always reminds me of how lazy I am in bed.

    Watching Olympic gymnasts always reminds me of how lazy I am in bed.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories.

    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories.

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