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  • College College

    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

  • Censored Censored

    Censored: I'm excited by what a great job you're doing.

    Censored: I'm excited by what a great job you're doing.

  • Reminders Reminders

    When no one is watching, masturbate as if someone is.

    When no one is watching, masturbate as if someone is.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    I still masturbate to you.

    I still masturbate to you.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for inviting me to quietly masturbate in your guest room.

    Thanks for inviting me to quietly masturbate in your guest room.

  • Confession Confession

    I'd rather catch you masturbating than taking one more selfie.

    I'd rather catch you masturbating than taking one more selfie.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Love Coupon: Good for one night of me taking care of myself before bed so I don't bother you for sex.

    Love Coupon: Good for one night of me taking care of myself before bed so I don't bother you for sex.

  • Honest.. Honest..

    Honest Autocorrects: Drinking date blowoff.

    Honest Autocorrects: Drinking date blowoff.

  • Flirting Flirting

    You're so hot even Christine O'Donnell would masturbate to you.

    You're so hot even Christine O'Donnell would masturbate to you.

  • Censored Censored

    Censored: Love your new profile pic.

    Censored: Love your new profile pic.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    You'll always have someone to masturbate to.

    You'll always have someone to masturbate to.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    Best of luck being able to apply suntan lotion without masturbating.

    Best of luck being able to apply suntan lotion without masturbating.

  • Father's Day Father's Day

    Happy Father's Day to a man who would have just pleasured himself anyway if mom wasn't around that day.

    Happy Father's Day to a man who would have just pleasured himself anyway if mom wasn't around that day.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I'm looking forward to working from home and sexually harassing myself for a change.

    I'm looking forward to working from home and sexually harassing myself for a change.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    Even my fantasy sex life is in a rut.

    Even my fantasy sex life is in a rut.

  • Better Like.. Better Like..

    Better Like Button: Like (if you know what I mean).

    Better Like Button: Like (if you know what I mean).

  • Out of My League Out of My League

    Congratulations on having a Valentine's Day date who's hot enough for me to stay home and masturbate to.

    Congratulations on having a Valentine's Day date who's hot enough for me to stay home and masturbate to.

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