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  • Baby Baby

    You're going to be a great MILF.

    You're going to be a great MILF.

  • Baby Baby

    Happy anniversary of the day you grotesquely expelled another human being from your body.

    Happy anniversary of the day you grotesquely expelled another human being from your body.

  • Reminders Reminders

    The right time to have kids is when you've run out of shows to watch on Netflix.

    The right time to have kids is when you've run out of shows to watch on Netflix.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Congratulations on being nauseous in the morning from something other than binge drinking.

    Congratulations on being nauseous in the morning from something other than binge drinking.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season.

    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    I'm having a natural childbirth in that it's natural to take drugs that lessen excruciating pain.

    I'm having a natural childbirth in that it's natural to take drugs that lessen excruciating pain.

  • Baby Baby

    I'm so grateful to live in an era when Facebook makes visiting your new baby completely unnecessary.

    I'm so grateful to live in an era when Facebook makes visiting your new baby completely unnecessary.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Congratulations on finally achieving what teenagers do by accident all the time.

    Congratulations on finally achieving what teenagers do by accident all the time.

  • Baby Baby

    Let your baby's birthday serve as a monument to the days when you and your spouse used to have sex.

    Let your baby's birthday serve as a monument to the days when you and your spouse used to have sex.

  • Baby Baby

    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    You're crapping for two now.

    You're crapping for two now.

  • Guys With Kids Guys With Kids

    May your new baby scream less during the night than you do during a football game.

    May your new baby scream less during the night than you do during a football game.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Even though you can't keep a plant alive, I think you're going to be a great parent.

    Even though you can't keep a plant alive, I think you're going to be a great parent.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    You’re going to be great at the staying off your feet and binge eating parts of pregnancy.

    You’re going to be great at the staying off your feet and binge eating parts of pregnancy.

  • Up All Night Up All Night

    Congratulations on your new baby and doing something fun again in 18 years.

    Congratulations on your new baby and doing something fun again in 18 years.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Your pregnancy breasts make me want to get you pregnant again.

    Your pregnancy breasts make me want to get you pregnant again.

  • Baby Baby

    You must be excited for your baby's first birthday party since it's the first time you've seen your friends in a year.

    You must be excited for your baby's first birthday party since it's the first time you've seen your friends in a year.

  • Baby Baby

    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby.

    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    Let's celebrate your pregnancy by me getting wasted.

    Let's celebrate your pregnancy by me getting wasted.

  • Baby Baby

    Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional.

    Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional.

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