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  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope your election night party isn't unforgettably catastrophic if Obama loses.

    I hope your election night party isn't unforgettably catastrophic if Obama loses.

  • Confession Confession

    I wish Obama would impose stricter background checks on people who lie about their height and weight on dating sites.

    I wish Obama would impose stricter background checks on people who lie about their height and weight on dating sites.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm the Jim Lehrer of futilely watching political arguments unfold on Facebook.

    I'm the Jim Lehrer of futilely watching political arguments unfold on Facebook.

  • Weekend Weekend

    I can't wait to start the weekend the federal government started on Tuesday.

    I can't wait to start the weekend the federal government started on Tuesday.

  • Workplace Workplace

    All I want is a job where my existence is as politely ignored as Bin Laden's was in Pakistan.

    All I want is a job where my existence is as politely ignored as Bin Laden's was in Pakistan.

  • Presidents Day Presidents Day

    This is the perfect day to try and make sense of Obama's creepy Lincoln fetish.

    This is the perfect day to try and make sense of Obama's creepy Lincoln fetish.

  • Bedsider Bedsider

    Our political talks get me almost as hot as our pillow talk.

    Our political talks get me almost as hot as our pillow talk.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm glad Newt Gingrich's surge gives him the opportunity to be despised by a whole new generation.

    I'm glad Newt Gingrich's surge gives him the opportunity to be despised by a whole new generation.

  • America's Great.. America's Great..

    'I am something of an outdoorsman in that I occasionally go out of doors.' -Stephen Colbert.

    "I am something of an outdoorsman in that I occasionally go out of doors." -Stephen Colbert.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Way to blow your one civic duty by breaking the law to Instagram your ballot.

    Way to blow your one civic duty by breaking the law to Instagram your ballot.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I wish the anniversary of America's worst national tragedy wasn't the only way to get politicians to stop speaking.

    I wish the anniversary of America's worst national tragedy wasn't the only way to get politicians to stop speaking.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The bombing of Libya is a troubling reminder of how little I've accomplished since we started bombing Iraq.

    The bombing of Libya is a troubling reminder of how little I've accomplished since we started bombing Iraq.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Let's spend the next four years trying to figure out what's funny about Obama.

    Let's spend the next four years trying to figure out what's funny about Obama.

  • U.S. U.S.

    More than just Chicago, but not more than just Chicago and farms.

    More than just Chicago, but not more than just Chicago and farms.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope tonight's debate isn't so dull that I fall asleep before Obama does.

    I hope tonight's debate isn't so dull that I fall asleep before Obama does.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    When feigning a vicious attack by an Obama supporter, carving an 'O' into your face will be more legible than a backwards 'B.'

    When feigning a vicious attack by an Obama supporter, carving an "O" into your face will be more legible than a backwards "B."

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Happy Birthday to the youthful, energetic President we elected and the old, exhausted President we turned him into.

    Happy Birthday to the youthful, energetic President we elected and the old, exhausted President we turned him into.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I trust government health care because Obama trusts it enough to continue smoking.

    I trust government health care because Obama trusts it enough to continue smoking.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I just can't picture myself sleeping with a non-voter.

    I just can't picture myself sleeping with a non-voter.

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