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  • Birthday Birthday

    Today you're the most special person in the world who isn't attending the Oscars.

    Today you're the most special person in the world who isn't attending the Oscars.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

    May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

  • Totino's Mom Up Totino's Mom Up

    Nothing makes me hungrier than watching a parade of stick-thin celebrities walk the red carpet.

    Nothing makes me hungrier than watching a parade of stick-thin celebrities walk the red carpet.

  • Movies Movies

    The Oscars is the perfect occasion to get together and try to remember who won last year's Oscars.

    The Oscars is the perfect occasion to get together and try to remember who won last year's Oscars.

  • Movies Movies

    I can't wait to hear what you think of what other women think of what other women are wearing.

    I can't wait to hear what you think of what other women think of what other women are wearing.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I love you with whatever remaining love I haven't directed towards Jennifer Lawrence.

    I love you with whatever remaining love I haven't directed towards Jennifer Lawrence.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Let's celebrate your birthday as many times as celebrities celebrate themselves during awards season.

    Let's celebrate your birthday as many times as celebrities celebrate themselves during awards season.

  • Movies Movies

    No one would have hated Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech more than Rust Cohle.

    No one would have hated Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech more than Rust Cohle.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I treat work with the exact opposite intensity that Christian Bale does.

    I treat work with the exact opposite intensity that Christian Bale does.

  • Movies Movies

    Sorry I look even more miserable and bedraggled on Mondays than Kristen Stewart at the Oscars.

    Sorry I look even more miserable and bedraggled on Mondays than Kristen Stewart at the Oscars.

  • Movies Movies

    I can't wait to put this year's Best Picture winner into the 27th slot of my Netflix queue.

    I can't wait to put this year's Best Picture winner into the 27th slot of my Netflix queue.

  • Pop Secret Movie Pop Secret Movie

    Sorry the performance I put on for you last night would only be a contender for Best Short Film.

    Sorry the performance I put on for you last night would only be a contender for Best Short Film.

  • Movies Movies

    You're even prettier than Jared Leto dressed as a woman.

    You're even prettier than Jared Leto dressed as a woman.

  • Movies Movies

    Entering an Oscar pool is the perfect way to pacify a gambling addiction between the Super Bowl and the NCAA tournament.

    Entering an Oscar pool is the perfect way to pacify a gambling addiction between the Super Bowl and the NCAA tournament.

  • Movies Movies

    Oscar losers don't fake a smile nearly as well as I do all day at work.

    Oscar losers don't fake a smile nearly as well as I do all day at work.

  • Movies Movies

    I'm predicting this year's Oscars will be incredibly predictable.

    I'm predicting this year's Oscars will be incredibly predictable.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you never be as old, white, or out of touch as Academy Award voters.

    May you never be as old, white, or out of touch as Academy Award voters.

  • Pop Secret Movie Pop Secret Movie

    I'm sorry award show acceptance speeches are more emotional than anything I've ever said to you.

    I'm sorry award show acceptance speeches are more emotional than anything I've ever said to you.

  • Movies Movies

    There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces Chiwetel Ejiofor's name.

    There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces Chiwetel Ejiofor's name.

  • Totino's Mom Up Totino's Mom Up

    Let's wear our fanciest pajamas to watch Hollywood celebrate the most glamorous night of the year.

    Let's wear our fanciest pajamas to watch Hollywood celebrate the most glamorous night of the year.

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