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  • Birthday Birthday

    Nothing could get in the way of me celebrating your birthday except bad weather or a playoff game.

    Nothing could get in the way of me celebrating your birthday except bad weather or a playoff game.

  • Sports Sports

    I think the biggest reason your football team didn't make the playoffs is that many other teams are better than them at football.

    I think the biggest reason your football team didn't make the playoffs is that many other teams are better than them at football.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Enjoy your birthday gift of no longer having to suffer through Mets games.

    Enjoy your birthday gift of no longer having to suffer through Mets games.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations on your baseball team securing home-field advantage at a home field that's usually empty.

    Congratulations on your baseball team securing home-field advantage at a home field that's usually empty.

  • Sports Sports

    I wish I was always in the midst of pitching a no-hitter so it was considered bad luck to sit near me.

    I wish I was always in the midst of pitching a no-hitter so it was considered bad luck to sit near me.

  • Sports Sports

    Sorry a pitcher on your arch-rival team has more no-hitters in the postseason alone than your team does in its entire 48-year history.

    Sorry a pitcher on your arch-rival team has more no-hitters in the postseason alone than your team does in its entire 48-year history.

  • Sports Sports

    I feel bad today for the dozens of Tampa Bay Rays fans.

    I feel bad today for the dozens of Tampa Bay Rays fans.

  • Sports Sports

    May your quarterback's creepy sexting help distract you from your baseball team being swept again.

    May your quarterback's creepy sexting help distract you from your baseball team being swept again.

  • Sports Sports

    I'd still rather have sex than throw an 80-yard touchdown pass to win an overtime playoff game.

    I'd still rather have sex than throw an 80-yard touchdown pass to win an overtime playoff game.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's hope the Texas Board of Education determines the Rangers winning a playoff series isn't just an unproven scientific theory.

    Let's hope the Texas Board of Education determines the Rangers winning a playoff series isn't just an unproven scientific theory.

  • Sports Sports

    I hope your team can extend its playoff run so you can extend your artificially intimate connection with coworkers.

    I hope your team can extend its playoff run so you can extend your artificially intimate connection with coworkers.

  • Sports Sports

    This year's World Series is an exciting opportunity to catch up with all the shows on your DVR.

    This year's World Series is an exciting opportunity to catch up with all the shows on your DVR.

  • Sports Sports

    I wish Rex Ryan would just admit he's in love with Tom Brady's feet.

    I wish Rex Ryan would just admit he's in love with Tom Brady's feet.

  • Sports Sports

    Sorry your football team humiliated itself by making the playoffs.

    Sorry your football team humiliated itself by making the playoffs.

  • MLK Day MLK Day

    Let's over-celebrate MLK Day to compensate for a weekend of watching eight white quarterbacks.

    Let's over-celebrate MLK Day to compensate for a weekend of watching eight white quarterbacks.

  • Sports Sports

    I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

    I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

  • Halloween Halloween

    For Halloween I'm going to dress up like a Yankees player just like A-Rod did a few times this season.

    For Halloween I'm going to dress up like a Yankees player just like A-Rod did a few times this season.

  • Bud Light Huddle Bud Light Huddle

    Looking forward to spending lots of quality time with you on Sundays once my team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

    Looking forward to spending lots of quality time with you on Sundays once my team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

  • Sports Sports

    I love the football playoffs because it means football season is almost over.

    I love the football playoffs because it means football season is almost over.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's congratulate the Rays on making the playoffs with a team salary only slightly higher than A-Rod's.

    Let's congratulate the Rays on making the playoffs with a team salary only slightly higher than A-Rod's.

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