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  • Confession Confession

    I can't return to the gym until I lose some weight.

    I can't return to the gym until I lose some weight.

  • Cry for Help Cry for Help

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

  • Passover Passover

    May IRS auditors pass over your questionable tax return this Passover.

    May IRS auditors pass over your questionable tax return this Passover.

  • Labor Day Labor Day

    Here's to hopefully still having jobs when we return from Labor Day weekend.

    Here's to hopefully still having jobs when we return from Labor Day weekend.

  • Get Well Get Well

    Get well enough to return to picking up my slack at work soon.

    Get well enough to return to picking up my slack at work soon.

  • Lifetime Movie Lifetime Movie

    I don't need anything in return for seeing you through your many bad choices except a cameo role in the eventual TV movie about your life.

    I don't need anything in return for seeing you through your many bad choices except a cameo role in the eventual TV movie about your life.

  • Tax Day Tax Day

    I'm seeking a tax return high enough to just barely keep me out of prison.

    I'm seeking a tax return high enough to just barely keep me out of prison.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I can't even get my mother to return my phone calls.

    I can't even get my mother to return my phone calls.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Let's calmly return to treating the lottery as an inherently depressing activity for the dregs of society.

    Let's calmly return to treating the lottery as an inherently depressing activity for the dregs of society.

  • Workplace Workplace

    After being off work for so long I forgot what it is that I pretend to do around here.

    After being off work for so long I forgot what it is that I pretend to do around here.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for going through the motions of asking how my vacation was.

    Thanks for going through the motions of asking how my vacation was.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    Just wanted to check in and see how not answering my calls is going.

    Just wanted to check in and see how not answering my calls is going.

  • Workplace Workplace

    The hardest part of returning from vacation is adjusting back to doing nothing indoors.

    The hardest part of returning from vacation is adjusting back to doing nothing indoors.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Enjoy your birthday cake since tomorrow we'll return to judging you based on every single morsel you ingest.

    Enjoy your birthday cake since tomorrow we'll return to judging you based on every single morsel you ingest.

  • Friendship Friendship

    I will never view you the same way as the cast of Jersey Shore views the return of Angelina.

    I will never view you the same way as the cast of Jersey Shore views the return of Angelina.

  • Wedding Wedding

    I hope anyone is as excited about your wedding as they are about the return of Arrested Development.

    I hope anyone is as excited about your wedding as they are about the return of Arrested Development.

  • Tax Day Tax Day

    It must be nice to no longer have to check the sad little 'single' box on your tax return.

    It must be nice to no longer have to check the sad little "single" box on your tax return.

  • Apology Apology

    My apologies for waiting so long to return your call and even then not returning it.

    My apologies for waiting so long to return your call and even then not returning it.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    At least we can agree that Joe Biden's IQ is as low as Mitt Romney's tax rate.

    At least we can agree that Joe Biden's IQ is as low as Mitt Romney's tax rate.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Thanks for getting me a gift I don't actually have to return.

    Thanks for getting me a gift I don't actually have to return.

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