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  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You better hope to god that Santa doesn't see your browser history.

    You better hope to god that Santa doesn't see your browser history.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

    My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Let's not get each other gifts unless you already got me one.

    Let's not get each other gifts unless you already got me one.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Sending paperless Christmas cards is a great way to feel better about the murdered tree in your living room.

    Sending paperless Christmas cards is a great way to feel better about the murdered tree in your living room.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You remind me of Santa in that you work about one day a year and spend the other 364 days judging everyone.

    You remind me of Santa in that you work about one day a year and spend the other 364 days judging everyone.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I can't wait to have a flamboyantly dressed stranger grope my children.

    I can't wait to have a flamboyantly dressed stranger grope my children.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    The quality of your Christmas gifts makes me wish Santa was real.

    The quality of your Christmas gifts makes me wish Santa was real.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Your gift will be arriving late or never.

    Your gift will be arriving late or never.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Good luck explaining to your kids why it's okay for Santa to be morbidly obese.

    Good luck explaining to your kids why it's okay for Santa to be morbidly obese.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Jesus is like Santa for adults.

    Jesus is like Santa for adults.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Let's talk about volunteering at a homeless shelter but not actually do it.

    Let's talk about volunteering at a homeless shelter but not actually do it.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I wish Santa was a one percenter.

    I wish Santa was a one percenter.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I'd gladly take your eight days of Hanukkah over our six weeks of Christmas.

    I'd gladly take your eight days of Hanukkah over our six weeks of Christmas.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old, fat, and semi-employed as Santa.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old, fat, and semi-employed as Santa.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I may not show up this year.

    I may not show up this year.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Just a reminder this holiday season that not all old bearded men living in remote areas care what you do with a man's anus.

    Just a reminder this holiday season that not all old bearded men living in remote areas care what you do with a man's anus.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Let's not break up until after the holidays.

    Let's not break up until after the holidays.

  • College College

    Good luck on final exams to someone whose major is as real as Santa Claus.

    Good luck on final exams to someone whose major is as real as Santa Claus.

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