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  • Drinking Drinking

    Let's get high school drunk.

    Let's get high school drunk.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm only working as a lawyer to pay my way through pole dancing school.

    I'm only working as a lawyer to pay my way through pole dancing school.

  • Confession Confession

    Your God-fearing Facebook updates do not cause me to forget the godless whore you were in high school.

    Your God-fearing Facebook updates do not cause me to forget the godless whore you were in high school.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's hope our NCAA team wins since we have absolutely no other reason to take pride in our school.

    Let's hope our NCAA team wins since we have absolutely no other reason to take pride in our school.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I wish I hadn't gone to a liberal arts college.

    I wish I hadn't gone to a liberal arts college.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    May your performance on the bar exam make up for how boring you were while studying for it.

    May your performance on the bar exam make up for how boring you were while studying for it.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    Just wanted to wish you luck on the bar exam and remind you it's still my dream to marry a doctor or lawyer.

    Just wanted to wish you luck on the bar exam and remind you it's still my dream to marry a doctor or lawyer.

  • Lice Goes On Lice Goes On

    If we stop sending our kids to school, the head lice will win.

    If we stop sending our kids to school, the head lice will win.

  • Take Kids to.. Take Kids to..

    Sorry your job isn't worth your child missing a day of school to learn about what their father does.

    Sorry your job isn't worth your child missing a day of school to learn about what their father does.

  • Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving.

    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving.

  • Graduation Graduation

    Today marks the last day it's remotely appropriate for us to nail high school girls.

    Today marks the last day it's remotely appropriate for us to nail high school girls.

  • College College

    I hope you get a college roommate as uninterested in human interaction as you are.

    I hope you get a college roommate as uninterested in human interaction as you are.

  • College College

    Sorry you're having roommate problems.

    Sorry you're having roommate problems.

  • Reminders Reminders

    If you go to law school, you will probably have to become a lawyer.

    If you go to law school, you will probably have to become a lawyer.

  • Movies Movies

    I wish I'd been sent to boarding school to learn wizardry rather than to learn my parents didn't love me.

    I wish I'd been sent to boarding school to learn wizardry rather than to learn my parents didn't love me.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    I hope you pass the bar exam and get me probation for my eventual DUIs.

    I hope you pass the bar exam and get me probation for my eventual DUIs.

  • Graduation Graduation

    Congratulations on earning a degree in something you don't remotely want to do with your life.

    Congratulations on earning a degree in something you don't remotely want to do with your life.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    I hope you're the least fat, bald, broke, embarrassingly drunk person at your high school reunion.

    I hope you're the least fat, bald, broke, embarrassingly drunk person at your high school reunion.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    Once you pass the bar exam, you may want to warn future clients that after a few drinks you'll divulge anything to anybody.

    Once you pass the bar exam, you may want to warn future clients that after a few drinks you'll divulge anything to anybody.

  • Graduation Graduation

    Sorry you'll someday regret having too much or not enough fun in college.

    Sorry you'll someday regret having too much or not enough fun in college.

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