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  • Cry for Help Cry for Help

    I go through far too much Kleenex for someone who's never sick.

    I go through far too much Kleenex for someone who's never sick.

  • Get Well Get Well

    I don't mind if you get me sick.

    I don't mind if you get me sick.

  • Workplace Workplace

    If you drink enough tonight, you won't have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.

    If you drink enough tonight, you won't have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.

  • Get Well Get Well

    Sorry your sick day is due to actual sickness.

    Sorry your sick day is due to actual sickness.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.

    I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.

  • Get Well Get Well

    I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

    I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

  • Thanks Thanks

    Thanks for covering for me the day I was home sick and the subsequent days I was home dicking around.

    Thanks for covering for me the day I was home sick and the subsequent days I was home dicking around.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

    I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    You seem pretty scared of catching the flu for someone who's not remotely scared of catching STDs.

    You seem pretty scared of catching the flu for someone who's not remotely scared of catching STDs.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    I wish there was a vaccine that prevented me from hearing your opinion about flu shots.

    I wish there was a vaccine that prevented me from hearing your opinion about flu shots.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Congratulations to Facebook on reaching 500 million users who are really sick of Facebook.

    Congratulations to Facebook on reaching 500 million users who are really sick of Facebook.

  • Nurses Week Nurses Week

    Here's to all the ER nurses who convinced me I'm not dying after medical Web sites convinced me I was.

    Here's to all the ER nurses who convinced me I'm not dying after medical Web sites convinced me I was.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Office Coupon: Good for me not swapping your comfortable chair for my broken, painful one while you're out sick.

    Office Coupon: Good for me not swapping your comfortable chair for my broken, painful one while you're out sick.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you.

    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    This year's flu epidemic may be the first time an actual illness is scarier than reading about it on WebMD.

    This year's flu epidemic may be the first time an actual illness is scarier than reading about it on WebMD.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I need to take a personal day because it's none of your goddamn business.

    I need to take a personal day because it's none of your goddamn business.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    May your devastating winter blues finally give way to your debilitating spring allergies.

    May your devastating winter blues finally give way to your debilitating spring allergies.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife.

    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone I hope can blow out the candles without getting their filthy germs all over the cake.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope can blow out the candles without getting their filthy germs all over the cake.

  • Mom Mom

    I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

    I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

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