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  • Flirting Flirting

    I'm leaving a voicemail on the off-chance you're ignoring every text, e-mail, tweet, wall comment and every other non-verbal communication I've sent you.

    I'm leaving a voicemail on the off-chance you're ignoring every text, e-mail, tweet, wall comment and every other non-verbal communication I've sent you.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

  • Easter Easter

    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

  • Farewell Farewell

    Have a great time reading my vacation tweets.

    Have a great time reading my vacation tweets.

  • Reminders Reminders

    If you ever tweet my eulogy, please make sure I'm dead.

    If you ever tweet my eulogy, please make sure I'm dead.

  • Apology Apology

    Sorry a toy plane made you feel inadequate.

    Sorry a toy plane made you feel inadequate.

  • Miracle Whip Miracle Whip

    Someone favoriting a tweet is really all the validation I need.

    Someone favoriting a tweet is really all the validation I need.

  • Vegas Excuses Vegas Excuses

    Let's escape to somewhere that has tweet-worthy activities.

    Let's escape to somewhere that has tweet-worthy activities.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    The only thing I can afford to invest in Twitter is 16 hours a day.

    The only thing I can afford to invest in Twitter is 16 hours a day.

  • Sympathy Sympathy

    At least when you die you won't have to read people's tweets about your death.

    At least when you die you won't have to read people's tweets about your death.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The Twitter IPO is a great reminder of how much money there is to be made on helping people waste their lives.

    The Twitter IPO is a great reminder of how much money there is to be made on helping people waste their lives.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I wish Charlie Sheen was functional enough to tweet.

    I wish Charlie Sheen was functional enough to tweet.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Sorry you were only able to tweet from three devices during Hurricane Isaac.

    Sorry you were only able to tweet from three devices during Hurricane Isaac.

  • Thinking Of You Thinking Of You

    The Pope joining Twitter should provide a nice balance to your 140-character scrawls of unholiness.

    The Pope joining Twitter should provide a nice balance to your 140-character scrawls of unholiness.

  • St. Patrick's.. St. Patrick's..

    We decided it would be best to confiscate anything that allows you to tweet or take photos this St. Patricks Day.

    We decided it would be best to confiscate anything that allows you to tweet or take photos this St. Patricks Day.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The worst part about Twitter being down is not being able to tweet mediocre jokes about Twitter being down.

    The worst part about Twitter being down is not being able to tweet mediocre jokes about Twitter being down.

  • Reminders Reminders

    Tweet like a pro (Doug Benson).

    Tweet like a pro (Doug Benson).

  • Ransom Cards Ransom Cards

    Follow me back or I'l never favorite one of your tweets again.

    Follow me back or I'l never favorite one of your tweets again.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Hope you enjoyed that unsubstantiated crotch shot I possibly didn't send.

    Hope you enjoyed that unsubstantiated crotch shot I possibly didn't send.

  • Smooth Moves Smooth Moves

    If we hook up this Cinco de Mayo, I promise not to tweet about it.

    If we hook up this Cinco de Mayo, I promise not to tweet about it.

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