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  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

  • Easter Easter

    I wonder if Jesus will make a special appearance on The Walking Dead this Sunday.

    I wonder if Jesus will make a special appearance on The Walking Dead this Sunday.

  • Easter Easter

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

  • Workplace Workplace

    We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

    We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

  • Confession Confession

    I just printed a 54 page document solely so I could fart at will without my coworkers hearing me.

    I just printed a 54 page document solely so I could fart at will without my coworkers hearing me.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy Birthday to a friend I will probably wind up living with after our husbands finally come out of the closet.

    Happy Birthday to a friend I will probably wind up living with after our husbands finally come out of the closet.

  • Halloween Halloween

    Rest assured my Halloween party will be much less scary and disturbing than a baby shower.

    Rest assured my Halloween party will be much less scary and disturbing than a baby shower.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

    Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

  • Farewell Farewell

    Sorry the gynecologist will see more of my vagina this year than you will.

    Sorry the gynecologist will see more of my vagina this year than you will.

  • Baby Baby

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    I hope your summer vacation will be as full of joy as the ocean is full of pee.

    I hope your summer vacation will be as full of joy as the ocean is full of pee.

  • Birthday Birthday

    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

  • Confession Confession

    The only thing this juice diet has cleansed me of is my will to live.

    The only thing this juice diet has cleansed me of is my will to live.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'd really like to set you up with my friend who nobody else will consider dating.

    I'd really like to set you up with my friend who nobody else will consider dating.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s.

    I'm worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s.

  • Drinking Drinking

    Your inevitable DUI will be the perfect way to finally exercise your fat ass.

    Your inevitable DUI will be the perfect way to finally exercise your fat ass.

  • Workplace Workplace

    The meetings will continue until morale improves.

    The meetings will continue until morale improves.

  • Easter Easter

    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

  • Birthday Birthday

    I'd be more excited about you being a year older if I was in your will.

    I'd be more excited about you being a year older if I was in your will.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

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