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  • Sports Sports

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

  • Sports Sports

    One reason to bring the World Cup back to America is that our fans don't make the worst instrumental sound in human history.

    One reason to bring the World Cup back to America is that our fans don't make the worst instrumental sound in human history.

  • Sports Sports

    Let's try to enjoy World Cup soccer despite the fact that it sounds like hippos fucking.

    Let's try to enjoy World Cup soccer despite the fact that it sounds like hippos fucking.

  • Sports Sports

    The only thing that excites me more than the World Cup is getting blind drunk at 7:30 a.m. to watch it.

    The only thing that excites me more than the World Cup is getting blind drunk at 7:30 a.m. to watch it.

  • Sports Sports

    I know the perfect non-Ghanaian bar to watch the World Cup.

    I know the perfect non-Ghanaian bar to watch the World Cup.

  • Sports Sports

    It's heartening to see the U.S. fully embrace soccer by clamoring for the murder of a crappy World Cup referee.

    It's heartening to see the U.S. fully embrace soccer by clamoring for the murder of a crappy World Cup referee.

  • Sports Sports

    Thank god England's goalie is as inept as its oil company.

    Thank god England's goalie is as inept as its oil company.

  • Sports Sports

    Best of luck to your World Cup team not suffering permanent, horn-induced hearing damage.

    Best of luck to your World Cup team not suffering permanent, horn-induced hearing damage.

  • Sports Sports

    The Netherlands making it to the World Cup finals makes a case for legalized marijuana and prostitution improving my soccer skills.

    The Netherlands making it to the World Cup finals makes a case for legalized marijuana and prostitution improving my soccer skills.

  • PUMA > I AM 60 PUMA > I AM 60

    I was like Pele at age 17 except instead of winning a World Cup I was cut from my high school soccer team.

    I was like Pele at age 17 except instead of winning a World Cup I was cut from my high school soccer team.

  • Sports Sports

    I'm so excited about the U.S. World Cup victory I'd almost not strangle someone for celebrating with a vuvuzela.

    I'm so excited about the U.S. World Cup victory I'd almost not strangle someone for celebrating with a vuvuzela.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I'd rather die by firing squad than by vuvuzela.

    I'd rather die by firing squad than by vuvuzela.

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