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  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone still young enough to become a professional curler.

    Happy birthday to someone still young enough to become a professional curler.

  • Birthday Birthday

    The tape-delayed Olympic coverage has inspired me to wish you a happy belated birthday.

    The tape-delayed Olympic coverage has inspired me to wish you a happy belated birthday.

  • Sports Sports

    The Winter Olympics are a great reminder it's only two years until the real Olympics.

    The Winter Olympics are a great reminder it's only two years until the real Olympics.

  • Sports Sports

    I wish the Olympics committee understood that skiing is only fun to watch when people are bad at it.

    I wish the Olympics committee understood that skiing is only fun to watch when people are bad at it.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Seeing Sochi bathrooms has given me a new appreciation for the wall separating me from your horrifying workplace dumps.

    Seeing Sochi bathrooms has given me a new appreciation for the wall separating me from your horrifying workplace dumps.

  • Sports Sports

    May our Olympians win medals as gold as the tap water in Sochi.

    May our Olympians win medals as gold as the tap water in Sochi.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    May your Valentine's Day sex be filthier than the drinking water in Sochi.

    May your Valentine's Day sex be filthier than the drinking water in Sochi.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Unlike Sochi Olympians who just met, it's nice that we're already comfortable using the bathroom in front of each other.

    Unlike Sochi Olympians who just met, it's nice that we're already comfortable using the bathroom in front of each other.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Let's watch some halfpipe this week before moving on to the full pipe this Valentine's Day.

    Let's watch some halfpipe this week before moving on to the full pipe this Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    This Valentine's Day, I intend to spend as much time on my back as an Olympian qualifying for the luge.

    This Valentine's Day, I intend to spend as much time on my back as an Olympian qualifying for the luge.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Congratulations on winning as many medals at the Sochi Olympics as Shaun White.

    Congratulations on winning as many medals at the Sochi Olympics as Shaun White.

  • Sports Sports

    It's too bad Shaun White made the mistake of only skipping one snowboarding event at Sochi.

    It's too bad Shaun White made the mistake of only skipping one snowboarding event at Sochi.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Love Coupon: Good for me going down as many times as Shaun White at Sochi.

    Love Coupon: Good for me going down as many times as Shaun White at Sochi.

  • Sports Sports

    I apologize for spoiling the results of an Olympic event four seconds before the rest of the universe did.

    I apologize for spoiling the results of an Olympic event four seconds before the rest of the universe did.

  • Sports Sports

    Anyone who complains about Olympic spoilers should be exiled to Russia.

    Anyone who complains about Olympic spoilers should be exiled to Russia.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations to stray dogs in Sochi on now having higher status than the Russian hockey team.

    Congratulations to stray dogs in Sochi on now having higher status than the Russian hockey team.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations to the Russian hockey team on being manhandled in a way that's still legal in Russia.

    Congratulations to the Russian hockey team on being manhandled in a way that's still legal in Russia.

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