• Flirting Flirting

    I'd love to cook you the one thing I've learned how to make without ruining.

    I'd love to cook you the one thing I've learned how to make without ruining.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I love you enough to irritate hundreds of people by expressing it on Facebook.

    I love you enough to irritate hundreds of people by expressing it on Facebook.

  • Confession Confession

    You're the only person I wouldn't freak out sharing a water bottle with.

    You're the only person I wouldn't freak out sharing a water bottle with.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Our genitalia should get back in touch.

    Our genitalia should get back in touch.

  • Missing You Missing You

    I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

    I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

  • Weekend Weekend

    Just a reminder this weekend that sleazy social media come-ons should only be sent to age-appropriate women.

    Just a reminder this weekend that sleazy social media come-ons should only be sent to age-appropriate women.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Your Throwback Thursday photo is hot enough to get hit on by James Franco.

    Your Throwback Thursday photo is hot enough to get hit on by James Franco.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Just curious if your refusal to participate in Throwback Thursday has anything to do with the authenticity of your breasts.

    Just curious if your refusal to participate in Throwback Thursday has anything to do with the authenticity of your breasts.

  • Confession Confession

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

  • Flirting Flirting

    You're even easier to enter than the new World Trade Center.

    You're even easier to enter than the new World Trade Center.

  • Flirting Flirting

    This winter was particularly hard on my having to imagine what your cleavage looks like.

    This winter was particularly hard on my having to imagine what your cleavage looks like.

  • Flirting Flirting

    There's a restaurant I'd like to take you to but I found out they deliver so let's just stay home.

    There's a restaurant I'd like to take you to but I found out they deliver so let's just stay home.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I know you're very busy but I hope you have time to fit me into your body.

    I know you're very busy but I hope you have time to fit me into your body.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'm as obsessed with you as Rust Cohle is with finding an ungodly mask-wearing cult practicing ritual child sacrifice.

    I'm as obsessed with you as Rust Cohle is with finding an ungodly mask-wearing cult practicing ritual child sacrifice.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Unlike Russia, I'll always be truthful about pulling out.

    Unlike Russia, I'll always be truthful about pulling out.

  • Mardi Gras Mardi Gras

    I'd never violate our company's sexual harassment policies by repeatedly asking you to expose your breasts on Mardi Gras.

    I'd never violate our company's sexual harassment policies by repeatedly asking you to expose your breasts on Mardi Gras.

  • Movies Movies

    You're even prettier than Jared Leto dressed as a woman.

    You're even prettier than Jared Leto dressed as a woman.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    My thoughts of you this Valentine's Day are as impure as anyone's motives on House of Cards.

    My thoughts of you this Valentine's Day are as impure as anyone's motives on House of Cards.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Your street won't be the only thing getting plowed this Valentine's Day.

    Your street won't be the only thing getting plowed this Valentine's Day.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Unlike Sochi Olympians who just met, it's nice that we're already comfortable using the bathroom in front of each other.

    Unlike Sochi Olympians who just met, it's nice that we're already comfortable using the bathroom in front of each other.

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