• Cougar Town Cougar Town

    Let's drink to how many opportunities there are for drinking wine during the holidays.

    Let's drink to how many opportunities there are for drinking wine during the holidays.

  • Cougar Town Cougar Town

    Thanks for always pretending to listen to my problems before I pretend to listen to yours.

    Thanks for always pretending to listen to my problems before I pretend to listen to yours.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    The holidays are my favorite time to be embarrassed by my family in person rather than on Facebook.

    The holidays are my favorite time to be embarrassed by my family in person rather than on Facebook.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Sorry you couldn't have an orgasm because the Elf on the Shelf was watching.

    Sorry you couldn't have an orgasm because the Elf on the Shelf was watching.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    May you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary this holiday season.

    May you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary this holiday season.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

    You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Let me know if you want another Apple screen on which to view pornography this Christmas.

    Let me know if you want another Apple screen on which to view pornography this Christmas.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    This year I'm going to shop for my wife as if she were my mistress.

    This year I'm going to shop for my wife as if she were my mistress.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Just wanted to make sure you didn't believe me when I said I didn't want anything expensive for Christmas.

    Just wanted to make sure you didn't believe me when I said I didn't want anything expensive for Christmas.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    This year, shop for me as if you still haven't gotten my pants off yet.

    This year, shop for me as if you still haven't gotten my pants off yet.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Let's make the tree in our living room watch one of its kind burn in our fireplace.

    Let's make the tree in our living room watch one of its kind burn in our fireplace.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

    My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

    You don't pay me enough to get a Secret Santa gift for anyone.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Just a reminder that I won't be working over the holidays or any days leading up to them.

    Just a reminder that I won't be working over the holidays or any days leading up to them.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    The best holiday gift you can get me is never asking for help carrying or disposing of your Christmas tree.

    The best holiday gift you can get me is never asking for help carrying or disposing of your Christmas tree.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Happy early Christmas from someone who's already eaten their way through 3 1/2 weeks of an Advent calendar.

    Happy early Christmas from someone who's already eaten their way through 3 1/2 weeks of an Advent calendar.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    The only thing I plan on giving you for the holidays is the creeps.

    The only thing I plan on giving you for the holidays is the creeps.

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