• Confession Confession

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    This long, solitary winter has made me realize I hate being by myself almost as much as I hate being with people.

    This long, solitary winter has made me realize I hate being by myself almost as much as I hate being with people.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

  • Christmas Season Christmas Season

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

    Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

  • Halloween Halloween

    Happy birthday to someone old and lonely enough to be the subject of a Halloween ghost story.

    Happy birthday to someone old and lonely enough to be the subject of a Halloween ghost story.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I can't even get my mother to return my phone calls.

    I can't even get my mother to return my phone calls.

  • Confession Confession

    Anthony Weiner has a sex scandal more often than I have sex.

    Anthony Weiner has a sex scandal more often than I have sex.

  • Friendship Friendship

    Whenever you're feeling lonely, I'll always be there for you unless I'm out doing something fabulous with my awesome boyfriend.

    Whenever you're feeling lonely, I'll always be there for you unless I'm out doing something fabulous with my awesome boyfriend.

  • Missing You Missing You

    I wish you were here in bed with me for 15 minutes.

    I wish you were here in bed with me for 15 minutes.

  • Sympathy Sympathy

    Sorry rain is the only thing that got you wet this week.

    Sorry rain is the only thing that got you wet this week.

  • Confession Confession

    I look great in my online dating profile pictures because they were taken when I didn't need online dating to meet people.

    I look great in my online dating profile pictures because they were taken when I didn't need online dating to meet people.

  • Weekend Weekend

    I hope your weekend isn't as lonely as Lance Armstrong's testicle.

    I hope your weekend isn't as lonely as Lance Armstrong's testicle.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    Today's heat has me more hot and bothered than a lonely housewife reading Fifty Shades of Grey at a Magic Mike screening.

    Today's heat has me more hot and bothered than a lonely housewife reading Fifty Shades of Grey at a Magic Mike screening.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    I wish the weather was as predictably uneventful as my sex life.

    I wish the weather was as predictably uneventful as my sex life.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working.

    The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Happy Valentine's Day from a secret admirer who really exists and isn't just you sending this card to yourself.

    Happy Valentine's Day from a secret admirer who really exists and isn't just you sending this card to yourself.

  • Confession Confession

    I'm lonely enough to date someone being considered for the new open slots on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.

    I'm lonely enough to date someone being considered for the new open slots on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.

  • Tax Day Tax Day

    I think even the IRS is starting to feel bad about how long I've been single.

    I think even the IRS is starting to feel bad about how long I've been single.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I feel trapped in a relationship with myself.

    I feel trapped in a relationship with myself.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day.

    Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day.

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