• Earth Day Earth Day

    I'd like to conserve energy this Earth Day by letting you be on top.

    I'd like to conserve energy this Earth Day by letting you be on top.

  • Animated Text Animated Text

    Condoms can't protect my heart.

    Condoms can't protect my heart.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'd love to cook you the one thing I've learned how to make without ruining.

    I'd love to cook you the one thing I've learned how to make without ruining.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I love you enough to irritate hundreds of people by expressing it on Facebook.

    I love you enough to irritate hundreds of people by expressing it on Facebook.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Nothing gets me in the mood like knowing nearly every disgusting animal on the planet is having sex right now.

    Nothing gets me in the mood like knowing nearly every disgusting animal on the planet is having sex right now.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Congratulations to Courtney Love on being about as accurate about Malaysia flight 370 as major news outlets have been.

    Congratulations to Courtney Love on being about as accurate about Malaysia flight 370 as major news outlets have been.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    I'd love to spend time with your child as long it's not hungry, tired, or awake.

    I'd love to spend time with your child as long it's not hungry, tired, or awake.

  • Reminders Reminders

    Before we decide on having children, let's remember how hard it is to take care of me.

    Before we decide on having children, let's remember how hard it is to take care of me.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Let's discuss the pros and cons of having kids over a relaxing meal we'd never have time for if we had kids.

    Let's discuss the pros and cons of having kids over a relaxing meal we'd never have time for if we had kids.

  • Confession Confession

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

  • Confession Confession

    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

  • Missing You Missing You

    I wish you didn't live so far away from my bed.

    I wish you didn't live so far away from my bed.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'd love to go on a date with you so I can explain how undateable I am.

    I'd love to go on a date with you so I can explain how undateable I am.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I'd be willing to set my alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier if you wanted to have morning sex.

    I'd be willing to set my alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier if you wanted to have morning sex.

  • Confession Confession

    I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

    I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    My one true love is the workweek ending.

    My one true love is the workweek ending.

  • About A Boy About A Boy

    I like you enough to say it without a hint of sarcasm.

    I like you enough to say it without a hint of sarcasm.

  • About A Boy About A Boy

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who already found the love of your life: yourself.

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who already found the love of your life: yourself.

  • Viva Vantage.. Viva Vantage..

    A great relationship is built on supporting each other emotionally and cleaning up after yourself.

    A great relationship is built on supporting each other emotionally and cleaning up after yourself.

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