• Confession Confession

    I think I'm finally ready to start avoiding dating again.

    I think I'm finally ready to start avoiding dating again.

  • Confession Confession

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

    The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

  • Confession Confession

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.

    Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.

  • Friendship Friendship

    Thanks for being my emergency contact for as long as I am hopelessly single.

    Thanks for being my emergency contact for as long as I am hopelessly single.

  • Mom Mom

    Making sure my single friends know how hard it is to be a mom is almost as exhausting as being a mom.

    Making sure my single friends know how hard it is to be a mom is almost as exhausting as being a mom.

  • Confession Confession

    My thoughts and prayers are with every single food delivery person I shamelessly send into the polar vortex.

    My thoughts and prayers are with every single food delivery person I shamelessly send into the polar vortex.

  • RAKE RAKE

    You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single.

    You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    I don't know if going on an actual date would be as fun as continually checking my phone to see if anyone wants to date me.

    I don't know if going on an actual date would be as fun as continually checking my phone to see if anyone wants to date me.

  • Pregnancy Pregnancy

    You can always complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms as long as I can complain to you about being single.

    You can always complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms as long as I can complain to you about being single.

  • Confession Confession

    I'd love to tell you how hot you look today but you're not single so I'd rather not waste my time.

    I'd love to tell you how hot you look today but you're not single so I'd rather not waste my time.

  • Divorce Divorce

    Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be slightly worse than being married.

    Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be slightly worse than being married.

  • Divorce Divorce

    Here's to your divorce taking place during bikini season.

    Here's to your divorce taking place during bikini season.

  • Cute Therapy Cute Therapy

    Being single may suck but at least you don't have to swim hundreds of miles upstream for a date.

    Being single may suck but at least you don't have to swim hundreds of miles upstream for a date.

  • Breakup Breakup

    I can't wait to have a new ex.

    I can't wait to have a new ex.

  • Wedding Wedding

    May your wedding include more horny single people than the summer share I'm skipping to attend.

    May your wedding include more horny single people than the summer share I'm skipping to attend.

  • Mother's Day Mother's Day

    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

  • Breakup Breakup

    I regret having held in even a single fart for you.

    I regret having held in even a single fart for you.

  • Friendship Friendship

    I'm glad we can help remind each other that being single and being married are equally miserable.

    I'm glad we can help remind each other that being single and being married are equally miserable.

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