May. 23rd, 2012
My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.
May. 23rd, 2012
There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Yesterday
No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.
May. 26th, 2008
Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.
May. 28th, 2008
I don't use sunscreen because my lifestyle makes it far more likely my liver, lungs, or heart will deteriorate before my skin.
Jun. 1st, 2008
I hope months of starvation, obsessive exercise, and painful grooming will get boys to notice the inner me.
May. 31st, 2009
May the inherent stress and peril of unfolding a beach chair not sabotage your plans to relax this summer.
Aug. 8th, 2010
The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else.
Mar. 21st, 2011
Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring.
Jan. 31st, 2012
May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.
Oct. 20th, 2007
Let's plan a tropical vacation we can't afford.
May. 29th, 2008
I'd appreciate it if you could bring meat, beer, condiments, paper goods, and all the guests to a BBQ I'm throwing.
Aug. 3rd, 2011
This heat wave makes me appreciate that I only work on a virtual farm.
Apr. 13th, 2008
I hope my unforgettably deranged behavior last summer won't hinder my access to this year's share house.
Oct. 11th, 2007
It's too hot or cold or mild outside.
Apr. 2nd, 2009
I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking.
May. 25th, 2009
I'm looking for a summer share that doesn't require me to chip in for utilities, transportation, food, beverages, or rent.
Nov. 26th, 2011
Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.
Apr. 13th, 2011
It's a beautiful day outside according to this live webcam.
Dec. 9th, 2010
I would just like to point out the irony of the Jewish people getting a bad rap about money when its the birthday of your Lord that drives the nation's economy.