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  • May. 23rd, 2012

    My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.

    My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.

  • May. 23rd, 2012

    There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.

    There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.

  • Yesterday

    No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.

    No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.

  • May. 26th, 2008

    Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.

    Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.

  • May. 28th, 2008

    I don't use sunscreen because my lifestyle makes it far more likely my liver, lungs, or heart will deteriorate before my skin.

    I don't use sunscreen because my lifestyle makes it far more likely my liver, lungs, or heart will deteriorate before my skin.

  • Jun. 1st, 2008

    I hope months of starvation, obsessive exercise, and painful grooming will get boys to notice the inner me.

    I hope months of starvation, obsessive exercise, and painful grooming will get boys to notice the inner me.

  • May. 31st, 2009

    May the inherent stress and peril of unfolding a beach chair not sabotage your plans to relax this summer.

    May the inherent stress and peril of unfolding a beach chair not sabotage your plans to relax this summer.

  • Aug. 8th, 2010

    The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else.

    The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else.

  • Mar. 21st, 2011

    Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring.

    Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring.

  • Jan. 31st, 2012

    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.

    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.

  • Oct. 20th, 2007

    Let's plan a tropical vacation we can't afford.

    Let's plan a tropical vacation we can't afford.

  • May. 29th, 2008

    I'd appreciate it if you could bring meat, beer, condiments, paper goods, and all the guests to a BBQ I'm throwing.

    I'd appreciate it if you could bring meat, beer, condiments, paper goods, and all the guests to a BBQ I'm throwing.

  • Aug. 3rd, 2011

    This heat wave makes me appreciate that I only work on a virtual farm.

    This heat wave makes me appreciate that I only work on a virtual farm.

  • Apr. 13th, 2008

    I hope my unforgettably deranged behavior last summer won't hinder my access to this year's share house.

    I hope my unforgettably deranged behavior last summer won't hinder my access to this year's share house.

  • Oct. 11th, 2007

    It's too hot or cold or mild outside.

    It's too hot or cold or mild outside.

  • Apr. 2nd, 2009

    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking.

    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking.

  • May. 25th, 2009

    I'm looking for a summer share that doesn't require me to chip in for utilities, transportation, food, beverages, or rent.

    I'm looking for a summer share that doesn't require me to chip in for utilities, transportation, food, beverages, or rent.

  • Nov. 26th, 2011

    Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.

    Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.

  • Apr. 13th, 2011

    It's a beautiful day outside according to this live webcam.

    It's a beautiful day outside according to this live webcam.

  • Dec. 9th, 2010

    I would just like to point out the irony of the Jewish people getting a bad rap about money when its the birthday of your Lord that drives the nation's economy.

    I would just like to point out the irony of the Jewish people getting a bad rap about money when its the birthday of your Lord that drives the nation's economy.

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