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    Let's do the whitest thing imaginable.

    Let's do the whitest thing imaginable

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    I'd love to hear your Burning Man tips on staying hydrated in 105F weather during a 192-hour drug orgy.

    I'd love to hear your Burning Man tips on staying hydrated in 105F weather during a 192-hour drug orgy

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    I hope months of starvation, obsessive exercise, and painful grooming will get boys to notice the inner me.

    I hope months of starvation, obsessive exercise, and painful grooming will get boys to notice the inner me

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    Let's enjoy the gorgeous summer weather before it somehow tries to murder us.

    Let's enjoy the gorgeous summer weather before it somehow tries to murder us

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    Someday you'll understand why I peed on your snowman.

    Someday you'll understand why I peed on your snowman

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    Sorry the size of your snow angel made you realize how badly you need to get to the gym.

    Sorry the size of your snow angel made you realize how badly you need to get to the gym

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    The leaves and my serotonin levels are falling.

    The leaves and my serotonin levels are falling

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    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.

    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather

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    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking.

    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking

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    It's too hot or cold or mild outside.

    It's too hot or cold or mild outside

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    Sorry this winter's been so bad that you were genuinely ecstatic about a rodent not retreating into its burrow.

    Sorry this winter's been so bad that you were genuinely ecstatic about a rodent not retreating into its burrow

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    The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of eating every carb I can possibly wedge inside my body.

    The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of eating every carb I can possibly wedge inside my body

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    The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else.

    The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else

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    I hope the colder weather won't deter you from continuing to wear slutty summer dresses to the office.

    I hope the colder weather won't deter you from continuing to wear slutty summer dresses to the office

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    Let's break up before we find out what we look like in the winter.

    Let's break up before we find out what we look like in the winter

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    Taking a snow day is a great way to avoid having to hear everyone at work making fun of you for taking a snow day.

    Taking a snow day is a great way to avoid having to hear everyone at work making fun of you for taking a snow day

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    Sorry you can't use a hurricane as an excuse to not leave your home this weekend.

    Sorry you can't use a hurricane as an excuse to not leave your home this weekend

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    I hope my unforgettably deranged behavior last summer won't hinder my access to this year's share house.

    I hope my unforgettably deranged behavior last summer won't hinder my access to this year's share house

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    The record-breaking cold weather is causing less suffering than your attempts at explaining it.

    The record-breaking cold weather is causing less suffering than your attempts at explaining it

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    Let's get a four-hour head start on rush hour traffic that begins four hours early.

    Let's get a four-hour head start on rush hour traffic that begins four hours early

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