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  •  

    This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat.

    This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat

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    Please join me at the beach to help detract attention from my body abnormalities.

    Please join me at the beach to help detract attention from my body abnormalities

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    I hope your summer rental turns out better than Bin Laden's.

    I hope your summer rental turns out better than Bin Laden's

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    Just wondering how many of you remember I won't be doing shit all summer.

    Just wondering how many of you remember I won't be doing shit all summer

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    I can't stop thinking about you ever since I remembered your building has a roof deck.

    I can't stop thinking about you ever since I remembered your building has a roof deck

  •  

    It's that time of year when we thank god all the hot, toned guys don't like girls.

    It's that time of year when we thank god all the hot, toned guys don't like girls

  •  

    And now I will attempt to convince you that leaving windows open is as satisfying as air conditioning.

    And now I will attempt to convince you that leaving windows open is as satisfying as air conditioning

  •  

    I suggest the high price of gas as a timely excuse to deflect summer house invitations.

    I suggest the high price of gas as a timely excuse to deflect summer house invitations

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    Congratulations on remaining the most destructive natural disaster at your beach house.

    Congratulations on remaining the most destructive natural disaster at your beach house

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    The immense, awe-inspiring power of the sun will once again be no match for my summer depression.

    The immense, awe-inspiring power of the sun will once again be no match for my summer depression

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    It's so cold that I'm willing to have sex above my weight class just for the body heat.

    It's so cold that I'm willing to have sex above my weight class just for the body heat

  •  

    Let's determine how to safely greet each other during swine flu season.

    Let's determine how to safely greet each other during swine flu season

  •  

    Let's make the most of spring by eating lunch directly outside our office building.

    Let's make the most of spring by eating lunch directly outside our office building

  •  

    I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday.

    I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday

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    Spring is a time of growth, renewal, and intensive preparation for deadly natural disasters.

    Spring is a time of growth, renewal, and intensive preparation for deadly natural disasters

  •  

    Just wanted to extend an invitation to be jealous of my pool any time you like.

    Just wanted to extend an invitation to be jealous of my pool any time you like

  •  

    Someday you'll understand why I peed on your snowman.

    Someday you'll understand why I peed on your snowman

  •  

    Enjoy your Summer Friday while I'm working maniacally to stomp you in the rat race.

    Enjoy your Summer Friday while I'm working maniacally to stomp you in the rat race

  •  

    I'm seeking someone to shack up with for the winter.

    I'm seeking someone to shack up with for the winter

  •  

    Sorry you live in a disaster-prone area during a disaster-prone presidential administration.

    Sorry you live in a disaster-prone area during a disaster-prone presidential administration

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