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This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat

Please join me at the beach to help detract attention from my body abnormalities

I hope your summer rental turns out better than Bin Laden's

Just wondering how many of you remember I won't be doing shit all summer

I can't stop thinking about you ever since I remembered your building has a roof deck

It's that time of year when we thank god all the hot, toned guys don't like girls

And now I will attempt to convince you that leaving windows open is as satisfying as air conditioning

I suggest the high price of gas as a timely excuse to deflect summer house invitations

Congratulations on remaining the most destructive natural disaster at your beach house

The immense, awe-inspiring power of the sun will once again be no match for my summer depression

It's so cold that I'm willing to have sex above my weight class just for the body heat

Let's determine how to safely greet each other during swine flu season

Let's make the most of spring by eating lunch directly outside our office building

I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday

Spring is a time of growth, renewal, and intensive preparation for deadly natural disasters

Just wanted to extend an invitation to be jealous of my pool any time you like

Someday you'll understand why I peed on your snowman

Enjoy your Summer Friday while I'm working maniacally to stomp you in the rat race

I'm seeking someone to shack up with for the winter

Sorry you live in a disaster-prone area during a disaster-prone presidential administration

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