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    May the inherent stress and peril of unfolding a beach chair not sabotage your plans to relax this summer.

    May the inherent stress and peril of unfolding a beach chair not sabotage your plans to relax this summer

  •  

    I'm looking for a summer share that doesn't require me to chip in for utilities, transportation, food, beverages, or rent.

    I'm looking for a summer share that doesn't require me to chip in for utilities, transportation, food, beverages, or rent

  •  

    Prepare yourself for a moderately competent display of manliness.

    Prepare yourself for a moderately competent display of manliness

  •  

    Let's bond this summer over a shared appreciation of barely concealed breasts.

    Let's bond this summer over a shared appreciation of barely concealed breasts

  •  

    Sorry your attempt to form a summer softball team was a painful reminder that you don't have eight friends.

    Sorry your attempt to form a summer softball team was a painful reminder that you don't have eight friends

  •  

    May your devastating winter blues finally give way to your debilitating spring allergies.

    May your devastating winter blues finally give way to your debilitating spring allergies

  •  

    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking.

    I hope I didn't confuse you by suggesting we walk somewhere just for the enjoyment of walking

  •  

    There's no such thing as too many poorly lit photos of you on a Mexican beach.

    There's no such thing as too many poorly lit photos of you on a Mexican beach.

  •  

    Rather than buying expensive MLB season tickets this year, I'm going to creepily watch little league games of children that don't belong to me or anyone I know.

    Rather than buying expensive MLB season tickets this year, I'm going to creepily watch little league games of children that don't belong to me or anyone I know

  •  

    I'm glad it's warm enough to ride a bike since I can no longer afford any other form of transportation.

    I'm glad it's warm enough to ride a bike since I can no longer afford any other form of transportation

  •  

    My spring cleaning involves deleting pornography links that are no longer deranged enough to titillate me.

    My spring cleaning involves deleting pornography links that are no longer deranged enough to titillate me

  •  

    Let me know a good weekend for you to invite me to your ski house.

    Let me know a good weekend for you to invite me to your ski house

  •  

    Let's pray a harsh winter and dwindling disposable income won't force us into actually reading a book.

    Let's pray a harsh winter and dwindling disposable income won't force us into actually reading a book

  •  

    Sorry the size of your snow angel made you realize how badly you need to get to the gym.

    Sorry the size of your snow angel made you realize how badly you need to get to the gym

  •  

    I hope it snows so I can create the illusion I'm home for a snow day rather than my crippling unemployment.

    I hope it snows so I can create the illusion I'm home for a snow day rather than my crippling unemployment

  •  

    Feel free to not give me a layer-by-layer description of every item of winter clothing you're wearing.

    Feel free to not give me a layer-by-layer description of every item of winter clothing you're wearing

  •  

    I'm impressed by your weather-resistant dedication to always showing an inappropriate amount of cleavage.

    I'm impressed by your weather-resistant dedication to always showing an inappropriate amount of cleavage

  •  

    Sorry you thought earmuffs were acceptable in our circle.

    Sorry you thought earmuffs were acceptable in our circle

  •  

    The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of eating every carb I can possibly wedge inside my body.

    The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of eating every carb I can possibly wedge inside my body

  •  

    The coldest of winter nights could never prevent me from meeting you out for drinks and potential sex.

    The coldest of winter nights could never prevent me from meeting you out for drinks and potential sex

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