-
Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time I take a piss.
-
Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important
-
You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something.
-
A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed
-
Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.
-
I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.
-
There is something to be said for sitting around drinking a beer while you watch your dog try to fuck a punching bag.
-
No one wants to lay the guy who wouldn't lay himself.
-
Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them.
-
People will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.
-
Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
-
Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax.
-
Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole
-
Why are you going over your monthly expenses? No, let me shorten this process for you: You make dog shit, so don't spend any money
-
You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is
