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Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax.
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Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time I take a piss.
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Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.
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People will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.
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Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.
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You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something.
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I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.
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There is something to be said for sitting around drinking a beer while you watch your dog try to fuck a punching bag.
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No one wants to lay the guy who wouldn't lay himself.
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Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them.
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Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole.
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Why are you going over your monthly expenses? No, let me shorten this process for you: You make dog shit, so don't spend any money.
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A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.
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You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.
![[UPDATED] 31 unintentionally offensive test answers from young children.](http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/images/feed_assets/4e1dc1c5aa37f_m4e1de248b5159.jpg)
