May. 23rd, 2012
Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.
May. 1st, 2012
I can't believe it's been a year since a shark probably ate Osama Bin Laden's dick.
Mar. 21st, 2012
The Summer Olympics will seem ultra lame this year if there's no event with kids killing each other.
Feb. 1st, 2012
Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.
Mar. 29th, 2011
I wish cake went straight to my boobs.
Jan. 18th, 2009
Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar.
Oct. 5th, 2009
Just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts.
Jul. 26th, 2011
Let's get our mind off America's debt crisis by maxing out our credit cards on a reckless shopping binge.
Jan. 12th, 2012
Not caring about the Republican nominee is getting to be really exhausting.
Jul. 22nd, 2011
Today's forecast calls for near record swamp ass.
Oct. 6th, 2011
I'm looking forward to picketing the funeral of a Westboro Baptist Church member.
Jul. 20th, 2011
I can't wait to upgrade to the new Apple operating system and not be able to tell the difference.
Mar. 9th, 2012
Thanks for reminding me to adjust my clocks that adjust themselves.
Jan. 11th, 2012
I can't imagine having a white President again.
Apr. 17th, 2012
Ann Romney has never worked harder at anything than trying to convince people she worked hard.
Nov. 29th, 2011
If I had to be any Kardashian sister, I would choose Bruce Jenner.
Nov. 2nd, 2011
I want to spend the rest of the next 72 days of my life with you.
Jan. 7th, 2012
At least my job description doesn't involve repairing the economy or being the new head football coach at Penn State.
Nov. 15th, 2011
It's a bad economy when even I can't sleep my way into employment.
Nov. 15th, 2011
I knew you were hacked when the porn you sent me wasn't totally disgusting.