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    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

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    It's nice to see Justin Bieber becoming the train wreck celebrity we all hoped he would be.

    It's nice to see Justin Bieber becoming the train wreck celebrity we all hoped he would be.

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    Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

    Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20

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    I'm worried that today's pirates are starting to give pirates a bad name.

    I'm worried that today's pirates are starting to give pirates a bad name.

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    Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.

    Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.

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    Sorry you can't display your political pride with a yard sign since you no longer own a house due to the foreclosure epidemic.

    Sorry you can't display your political pride with a yard sign since you no longer own a house due to the foreclosure epidemic.

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    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

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    The only problem I've ever had with my iPhone is you calling it.

    The only problem I've ever had with my iPhone is you calling it.

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    85% of my time online is spent clicking 'forgot password' links.

    85% of my time online is spent clicking "forgot password" links.

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    I couldn't help but notice President Obama's choice of dog breed is also half black.

    I couldn't help but notice President Obama's choice of dog breed is also half black.

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    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

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    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

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    I had a dream once.

    I had a dream once.

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    I can't wait until we lose power from this storm so I can finally start eating my emergency junk food.

    I can't wait until we lose power from this storm so I can finally start eating my emergency junk food.

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    Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

    Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

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    Thank you for not noticing the company would be better off without me.

    Thank you for not noticing the company would be better off without me.

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    Monday is like a gift from someone who knows nothing about you and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

    Monday is like a gift from someone who knows nothing about you and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

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    Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male pattern baldness.

    Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male pattern baldness.

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    Before Movember gets into full swing I'd like to take this opportunity to sit on your face all night.

    Before Movember gets into full swing I'd like to take this opportunity to sit on your face all night.

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    I want to kick off STD Awareness Month by making you aware that I gave you a STD.

    I want to kick off STD Awareness Month by making you aware that I gave you a STD.

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