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    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

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    I'm worried that today's pirates are starting to give pirates a bad name.

    I'm worried that today's pirates are starting to give pirates a bad name.

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    At least today you can claim staying in bed all week is a tribute to John Lennon.

    At least today you can claim staying in bed all week is a tribute to John Lennon

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    Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.

    Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.

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    Monday is like a gift from someone who knows nothing about you and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

    Monday is like a gift from someone who knows nothing about you and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

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    Sorry you can't display your political pride with a yard sign since you no longer own a house due to the foreclosure epidemic.

    Sorry you can't display your political pride with a yard sign since you no longer own a house due to the foreclosure epidemic.

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    I'd start my own Twitter war if someone else hadn't already beaten me to ten followers.

    I'd start my own Twitter war if someone else hadn't already beaten me to ten followers.

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    I'd probably have cabin fever if I wasn't already so lazy.

    I'd probably have cabin fever if I wasn't already so lazy.

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    85% of my time online is spent clicking 'forgot password' links.

    85% of my time online is spent clicking "forgot password" links.

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    If Russia prepares for war like it prepares for the Olympics, none of us have anything to worry about.

    If Russia prepares for war like it prepares for the Olympics, none of us have anything to worry about.

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    I had a dream once.

    I had a dream once.

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    I couldn't help but notice President Obama's choice of dog breed is also half black.

    I couldn't help but notice President Obama's choice of dog breed is also half black.

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    I can't wait until we lose power from this storm so I can finally start eating my emergency junk food.

    I can't wait until we lose power from this storm so I can finally start eating my emergency junk food.

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    Thank you for not noticing the company would be better off without me.

    Thank you for not noticing the company would be better off without me.

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    With the pollen count this high drug dealers could make more money converting meth back into Sudafed.

    With the pollen count this high drug dealers could make more money converting meth back into Sudafed.

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    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

    I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.

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    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

    I'm consciously unfriending you for posting about Gwyneth Paltrow's love life.

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    Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

    Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

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    It's pointless to make relationship-based someecards because nobody that visits this site is normal enough to be in one.

    It's pointless to make relationship-based someecards because nobody that visits this site is normal enough to be in one.

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    I want to kick off STD Awareness Month by making you aware that I gave you a STD.

    I want to kick off STD Awareness Month by making you aware that I gave you a STD.

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