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Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.

I wish cake went straight to my boobs.

Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

The Summer Olympics will seem ultra lame this year if there's no event with kids killing each other.

Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar

Good thing your status updates make spying on you completely unnecessary

You're like the Comic Sans in a world of Times New Roman.

Congratulations on getting your texting while driving charges reduced to a DUI.

Women say that size doesn't matter but I have yet to meet a woman that owns a 3 inch crooked vibrator.

I'll have you know I'm perfectly capable of putting myself into a drug-induced coma nightly without physician assistance.

I wonder if anyone told Sarah Palin that 'Going Rogue' is a British slang term for unprotected anal sex.

I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

You're just one more cat away from dying alone.

I wish my friends could vote for me to get my house back.

I'd be much happier if your dick grew like Pinocchio every time you lie.

You're holding it wrong.

I hope the next ridiculously popular Facebook trend is shutting the fuck up.

I miss your absence.

Fuck you if you can't accept the fact that I'm in a spiritual place.

I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me.

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