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Lesbians should be mandatory at every high school prom

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It must be challenging to stand up for the developmentally disabled when the developmentally disabled think you're retarded

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I hope your eco-friendly status symbol doesn't smash into a tree

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May you be prominent in the will of a Toyota owner

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A good workplace safety rule is to keep employees apart if their weight differs by 11,850 pounds and the heavier one has two prior murders

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Tiger Woods has taught me it's possible to allocate only 21.4 seconds of public apology time per bimbo screwed

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Even though we'll never be famous musicians, professional athletes, or members of Congress, I'm certain we'll always be noteworthy assholes

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You remind me of a presidential candidate in that you're not at all who you seemed to be a few months ago

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I wish just once you'd send me an email filled with as much passion as a Family Values governor has for his Argentinian mistress

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It's now clear that psychotic town hall debates and creepy tea parties won't impact health care reform as much as a guy who posed nude for Cosmo

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I found Tiger's apology to be extremely insincere if that turns you on at all

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The Wesley Snipes case showed me that even a written letter from Woody Harrelson can't reduce a tax evader's jail time

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Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar

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I vehemently oppose harming innocent creatures unless they can take down a passenger airplane in which case we should blow their fucking brains out

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We can finally stop pretending we're Canadian

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Obama's call for more personal responsibility has me rethinking my vote for Obama

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I can't imagine Willow Palin getting impregnated by A-Rod before turning 18 in the next election year

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The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close

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This election isn't nearly as fun without any chicks around

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I often wonder if Obama's surge has caused Hillary to inadvertently utter the N-word

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