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    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions

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    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

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    I almost definitely don't want a Segway now.

    I almost definitely don't want a Segway now

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    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again.

    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again

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    Sorry to Rick Perry supporters that the number of gay Americans is higher than the number of Rick Perry supporters.

    Sorry to Rick Perry supporters that the number of gay Americans is higher than the number of Rick Perry supporters

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    I wish our country could unite over something other than hating a 13-year-old girl's pop song.

    I wish our country could unite over something other than hating a 13-year-old girl's pop song

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    Congratulations to Mitt Romney on being liked by eight more white people than Rick Santorum.

    Congratulations to Mitt Romney on being liked by eight more white people than Rick Santorum

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    I fully agree with Warren Buffett's stance on taxing millionaires unless I somehow become a millionaire.

    I fully agree with Warren Buffett's stance on taxing millionaires unless I somehow become a millionaire

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    It was inspiring to hear what Obama is planning for Republicans to block.

    It was inspiring to hear what Obama is planning for Republicans to block

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    I hope Obama isn't forced to compromise on his birthday plans.

    I hope Obama isn't forced to compromise on his birthday plans

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    The Facebook IPO announcement proves that every one of my worthless status updates was actually valuable.

    The Facebook IPO announcement proves that every one of my worthless status updates was actually valuable

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    Happy Festivus to someone who worships Seinfeld reruns over Jesus.

    Happy Festivus to someone who worships Seinfeld reruns over Jesus

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    I can't imagine having a white President again.

    I can't imagine having a white President again.

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    My views on abortion came from not listening to anyone insane enough to carry a fetus around in a jar.

    My views on abortion came from not listening to anyone insane enough to carry a fetus around in a jar

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    I vehemently oppose harming innocent creatures unless they can take down a passenger airplane in which case we should blow their fucking brains out.

    I vehemently oppose harming innocent creatures unless they can take down a passenger airplane in which case we should blow their fucking brains out

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    Living a godless existence ensures no terrifyingly batshit religious figure impacts my election decision.

    Living a godless existence ensures no terrifyingly batshit religious figure impacts my election decision

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    We can finally stop pretending we're Canadian.

    We can finally stop pretending we're Canadian

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    Sorry you haven't heard about the Rupert Murdoch scandal because you watch nothing but Fox News.

    Sorry you haven't heard about the Rupert Murdoch scandal because you watch nothing but Fox News

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    Let's continue our tradition of not voting for presidential candidates who cheated on their cancer-stricken wives.

    Let's continue our tradition of not voting for presidential candidates who cheated on their cancer-stricken wives

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    Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar.

    Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar

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