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  •  

    Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.

    Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.

  •  

    I wish cake went straight to my boobs.

    I wish cake went straight to my boobs.

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    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

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    The Summer Olympics will seem ultra lame this year if there's no event with kids killing each other.

    The Summer Olympics will seem ultra lame this year if there's no event with kids killing each other.

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    Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar.

    Let's celebrate a new era of racial harmony by considering drinking somewhere other than a non-threatening, mostly Caucasian bar

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    Good thing your status updates make spying on you completely unnecessary.

    Good thing your status updates make spying on you completely unnecessary

  •  

    You're like the Comic Sans in a world of Times New Roman.

    You're like the Comic Sans in a world of Times New Roman.

  •  

    Congratulations on getting your texting while driving charges reduced to a DUI.

    Congratulations on getting your texting while driving charges reduced to a DUI.

  •  

    Women say that size doesn't matter but I have yet to meet a woman that owns a 3 inch crooked vibrator.

    Women say that size doesn't matter but I have yet to meet a woman that owns a 3 inch crooked vibrator.

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    I'll have you know I'm perfectly capable of putting myself into a drug-induced coma nightly without physician assistance.

    I'll have you know I'm perfectly capable of putting myself into a drug-induced coma nightly without physician assistance.

  •  

    I wonder if anyone told Sarah Palin that 'Going Rogue' is a British slang term for unprotected anal sex.

    I wonder if anyone told Sarah Palin that 'Going Rogue' is a British slang term for unprotected anal sex.

  •  

    I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

    I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

  •  

    You're just one more cat away from dying alone.

    You're just one more cat away from dying alone.

  •  

    I wish my friends could vote for me to get my house back.

    I wish my friends could vote for me to get my house back.

  •  

    I'd be much happier if your dick grew like Pinocchio every time you lie.

    I'd be much happier if your dick grew like Pinocchio every time you lie.

  •  

    You're holding it wrong.

    You're holding it wrong.

  •  

    I hope the next ridiculously popular Facebook trend is shutting the fuck up.

    I hope the next ridiculously popular Facebook trend is shutting the fuck up.

  •  

    I miss your absence.

    I miss your absence.

  •  

    Fuck you if you can't accept the fact that I'm in a spiritual place.

    Fuck you if you can't accept the fact that I'm in a spiritual place.

  •  

    I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me.

    I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me.

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