Remember breakfast is the most important meal of the day unless it's eggs which can now kill you
One positive outcome of the salmonella outbreak in eggs is that everyone I hate can afford eggs
I hope Tiger Woods' post-divorce sex life is as tragically lame as Don Draper's
Just wanted to see how you're handling the news about infected cookie dough
I'm against building a mosque at Ground Zero unless they're hiring
I believe there's got to be a more qualified hip-hop artist to run Haiti than Wyclef Jean
I think before Larry King retires he should have to endure an interview with Larry King
Please don't let Mel Gibson's psychotic rant ever prevent you from second-guessing a slutty outfit
I haven't heard this much about the N-word and the R-word since the presidential election
Sorry the housing downturn is forcing you to move to a neighborhood we used to mock
You're my biggest hero aside from a flamboyant, deranged, alcoholic flight attendant
