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    You're just one more cat away from dying alone.

    You're just one more cat away from dying alone.

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    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

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    At least my job description doesn't involve repairing the economy or being the new head football coach at Penn State.

    At least my job description doesn't involve repairing the economy or being the new head football coach at Penn State.

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    If I had to be any Kardashian sister, I would choose Bruce Jenner.

    If I had to be any Kardashian sister, I would choose Bruce Jenner.

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    I wonder if anyone told Sarah Palin that 'Going Rogue' is a British slang term for unprotected anal sex.

    I wonder if anyone told Sarah Palin that 'Going Rogue' is a British slang term for unprotected anal sex.

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    I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

    I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

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    In lieu of putting up with your unkempt facial hair for an extended period of time, let's just make a charitable donation.

    In lieu of putting up with your unkempt facial hair for an extended period of time, let's just make a charitable donation.

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    Thank you for participating in Boobquake, even if you had no idea that you were.

    Thank you for participating in Boobquake, even if you had no idea that you were.

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    Let's celebrate you not being pregnant by having unprotected sex.

    Let's celebrate you not being pregnant by having unprotected sex.

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    I'd be more comfortable in Apocalyptic hellfire than in a hotel room with Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

    I'd be more comfortable in Apocalyptic hellfire than in a hotel room with Dominique Strauss-Kahn

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    Remember not to tell Koran burners that buying so many copies could push it onto the New York Times Best Seller List.

    Remember not to tell Koran burners that buying so many copies could push it onto the New York Times Best Seller List

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    At least we can agree that Joe Biden's IQ is as low as Mitt Romney's tax rate.

    At least we can agree that Joe Biden's IQ is as low as Mitt Romney's tax rate.

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    I'd definitely attend a marijuana legalization rally if I wasn't too stoned to leave my apartment.

    I'd definitely attend a marijuana legalization rally if I wasn't too stoned to leave my apartment

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    Obama is calmer trying to tame a recession, global warming, and two wars than you are getting ready for a night out.

    Obama is calmer trying to tame a recession, global warming, and two wars than you are getting ready for a night out

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    I can't believe it's been only four years since you told the same leap year jokes.

    I can't believe it's been only four years since you told the same leap year jokes

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    I can only imagine the shame Schwarzenegger felt in discovering the mother of his illegitimate child still has a MySpace account.

    I can only imagine the shame Schwarzenegger felt in discovering the mother of his illegitimate child still has a MySpace account

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    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions

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    Congratulations to our troops on returning from Iraq to a place now only slightly less crappy than Iraq.

    Congratulations to our troops on returning from Iraq to a place now only slightly less crappy than Iraq

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    Let's choose a president who can handle a brutal economy, rampant unemployment, and lists of three.

    Let's choose a president who can handle a brutal economy, rampant unemployment, and lists of three

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    Let's hope being pregnant gives Kim Kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days.

    Let's hope being pregnant gives Kim Kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days.

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